Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Speaking of Half-Finished Tripe...

You might remember that a while ago I asked for the help of my loyal readership in navigating the choppy waters of the internet. And you might also remember not lifting a fucking finger to help me. So, I hope you're happy that I decided to use my newfound technologies to watch Torchwood.

BBC iPlayer is a hilarious thing. It's basically what everyone expected digital TV to be when it was first mooted, albeit in a viewable window the size of a small postcard. I do think that it's a genuinely brilliant thing, and so I feel a little disappointed in myself for only having used it for Torchwood. But then, as previously discussed, the blame lies squarely with you.

I originally abandoned watching the show a couple of episodes into the first series, and assumed that it would have maintained the same trajectory it had set out on. I fully expected, a full series on, that the folks of Torchwood 3 would be fighting (sexy) space crime using nothing but their genitalia. That was not the case, so chalk one up for pleasant surprise.

The episode I saw was called 'Out Of Gas' 'Fragments', and those of you that are vaguely culturally literate will already have gathered that it takes place as a series of flashbacks. In the midst of horrendous accident (and explosion set off by the malicious little cube things from Terrahawks), the history of how they all got together as the happy all-singing pansexual brigade of alien-fighting misanthropes. It is exactly the same structure as the aforementioned Firefly episode, but is written with less than a fraction of the elan.

At this point you might be thinking: "Torchwood? I've some puppies for you to kick if you need an easy target." But hold on. It (as is rapidly becoming standard in these rants) wasn't all that bad. Given that I genuinely was prepared for a show in which the most glamorous people in all Cardiff lined up to felate John Barrowman while disinterestedly waving a Luger with whichever hand they weren't using to cup, it was pretty good for the first twenty minutes. Cap'n Bigcoat's drunken ride through time with steely Victorian lesbians was genuinely entertaining. It all trailed off a bit after that though, until James Marsters appeared, playing a character called Peter Fanservice. He looked a bit like a pirate. But a holographic one. Which, by pirate standards, is pretty lame. Long story short - Torchwood is worse than most shows, but better than botulism. It has picked up somewhat.

As if to balance this unceasing generosity, we now come to The Simpsons Movie. I avoided this in cinemas, because I don't take disappointment in the cinema with anything resembling grace. My cries of anguish during Transformers gave birth to a new universe.

I finally picked it up, as it is now very cheap on DVD. This is because it is shit. It's shit of the highest order. There are no jokes per se, just a frantic rush to get a succesion of minor characters shoehorned in so they can have a tiny, unfunny character moment before they vanish again.

If anyone would like a copy, let me know. Otherwise I'm going to grind it up and sprinkle it on my cereal.

I'll be taking those puppies now.


redspiderlily said...

The Simpsons seemed funny in the cinema but I suspect someone drugged me.

Also, do not blame me, there is nothing good to do on the internet expect read manga and play MMORPGs. Since I only do the first one, I have none of the second to recommend.

Besides, you only have yourself to blame really, there are other things avaliable on the BBC site. I've also mentioned many times just how awful Torchwood is.

Dave said...

Like I said, I didn't hate it. My default setting is hate. I was being positive, just in my own way.

The other things you mentioned lead to cosplay, and will be punished by execution after the coronation.

redspiderlily said...

MMORPGs have lead to far worse things than cosplay is all I can say in my defense.

Is it any worse than having a deult of love and everything slowly going downhill from there? I know which has less disappointment at least.

Mister Aedan said...

If there is anything fun on the internet, it's probably banned in the UAE anyway. If not by Etisalat, then by the BBC themselves, who don't make iPlayer available outside the UK anyway. Law-abiding cocks.

When's this embarassing fad for iPrefixing going to end, anyway?

As for Torchwood, it's banned out here for having too many of the gays. For once, I'm not overly bothered, but is James Marsters' character really called Fanservice? Because only genuinely funny programems are allowed to have reflexive, ironical humour.

Dave said...

I'm afraid not. It was a snide comment on my part, inspired by his quest to appear in every Sci-Fi show ever, hence always appearing at top billing at the endless parade of conventions that will be his pension.

Mister Aedan said...

Oh dear. And is it just Spike in a pirate costume? Five years ago, that might have been cool. Probably not now.

And speaking of comedic onanism, you're mostly right about the Simpsons Movie, although I thought the first Spider-Pig bit was a nice throwaway gag, even though at some point it did mutate into the emotional core of the film. Don't know why they thought that was necessary. But I see it as just a mediocre episode stretched rather than being a work of deliberate malice.

While we're desecrating childhood memories, how much are you anticipating/dreading Iron Man? I expect it will be released over here since it's a film about a rich guy blowing shit up, but I do wonder if it's one of those films where the best thing about it is the trailer...

Dave said...

I am looking forward to Iron Man to a near-pathological degree. I will actually keel over and have 'difficulties' that may resemble live birth in a lot of ways, right there in the cinema, should it be less than splendid.

This happens every summer. I have a massive retard-on for summer blockbusters. Just be thankful you weren't there for Transformers.

Mister Aedan said...

I think I may have heard your previously mentioned universe-spawning screams, but mistaken them for bad sound editing or an unusual ringtone.

I didn't think the film was all that bad (by stupid robot movie standards), but the word "allspark" annoys me for reasons I can't quite identify. My main beef with the Transformers actually goes back quite a bit further: surely identifying yourself as a "Decepticon" is self-defeating? OK, supervillains have silly names, but Dr Doom, for example, pretty much wants people to know that he is a Doctor in the science of doom. On the other hand, surely Megatron et al want to retain the element of surprise? Otherwise any random bunch of soldiers and teenagers could take them out in a furiously kinetic yet strangely soulless frackfest.

Dave said...

"A doctor in the science of Doom."

Suffice it to say, I'm having that.