Today marks the launch of the acclaimed violence and social fabric dissolution simulator, GTA IV. I would dearly love to report that I was sat playing said lawyer-baiting abomination, but I am not. I placed an order for it with a certain well-known online retailer, one I happen to fucking work for, and they have failed to deliver it to me on time. I have been to every shop that might possibly sell it in this drab little town, and they have all run out. I am, in short, fairly savagely put out.
I must find another way to occupy my time. So, as promised, it's movie night. Tonight's film will be The Golden Compass, something that I've studiously avoided thus far. The combination of crippling disappointment, a love for the source material, a genuine hatred of the Americanisation of the title and cheap, cheap booze leaves me singularly unqualified to provide an objective review.
Shall we begin?
0.30s: Staggeringly crude exposition.
This continues for some time.
8.14: They seem to have decided to exaggerate the role of the Church in the story, by bringing in a pantomime villain character.
51.10: This is just toss. Pure, unadulterated shit. The combination of depression and boredom means that I can't derive even an iota of twisted pleasure from it.
104.00: Vomitous pile of inadequacy.
1.13: She can't act.
1.32: Horrible, sanitised, unfinished, poorly-written weasel squeezings.
1.34: Artless, graceless, witless.
Genuinely horrible, and not in the least bit funny. Sorry about that. I'll try some Boll next time.