Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Movie Night.

Today marks the launch of the acclaimed violence and social fabric dissolution simulator, GTA IV. I would dearly love to report that I was sat playing said lawyer-baiting abomination, but I am not. I placed an order for it with a certain well-known online retailer, one I happen to fucking work for, and they have failed to deliver it to me on time. I have been to every shop that might possibly sell it in this drab little town, and they have all run out. I am, in short, fairly savagely put out.

I must find another way to occupy my time. So, as promised, it's movie night. Tonight's film will be The Golden Compass, something that I've studiously avoided thus far. The combination of crippling disappointment, a love for the source material, a genuine hatred of the Americanisation of the title and cheap, cheap booze leaves me singularly unqualified to provide an objective review.

Shall we begin?

0.30s: Staggeringly crude exposition.

This continues for some time.

8.14: They seem to have decided to exaggerate the role of the Church in the story, by bringing in a pantomime villain character.

51.10: This is just toss. Pure, unadulterated shit. The combination of depression and boredom means that I can't derive even an iota of twisted pleasure from it.

104.00: Vomitous pile of inadequacy.

1.13: She can't act.

1.32: Horrible, sanitised, unfinished, poorly-written weasel squeezings.

1.34: Artless, graceless, witless.

1.40: Over.

Genuinely horrible, and not in the least bit funny. Sorry about that. I'll try some Boll next time.


Mister Aedan said...

"weasel squeezings" - poetic yet disgusting. I'm going to try and work it into my next press release.

Have you read Once Upon a Time in the North yet? It's quite fun, though could use a lower cover price. Arctic cowboys and angry bears are worth the expense in my opinion.

As for GTAIV - totally banned here, so just count your blessings young man.

Dave said...

I am GTA-free for yet another day, so at this point it is apparent that our nation's postal service have gone and done what they do best - stolen my stuff.

I can't get Play to ship me another until 21 days past the ship date, and everywhere in town is out of it. It would be less of a problem if every other fucker in my office didn't have a copy.

Ah. Yes. The other Pullman book - I did read it, and it's a servicable enough thing, I'm just concerned that these semi-regular addendums to the His Dark Materials universe are rapidly turning into money-spinners, slight little things that they are. I didn't pay anything approaching the cover price for mine, but even so, I'd be happier if he just squeezed out a few more of these little tales and bundled them into a paperback compendium.