Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Oh God! Oh Jesus Christ!

Wicker Man remake. More for my sake than anyone's, I need a chronicle of this.

2.48. Rural. Cage seems pensive. His wig is not the best.

4.18. A huge truck hits a car full of creepy people. The overall effect is comical. Cage is coming to the rescue, but I sense failure is on the cards. I see it written on his stupid face.

9.45. A joke is made about a lack of plot. It sucks.

13.34. Cage charms an old man into flying him out to Summersisle. Edward Woodward could fly his own plane, and he didn't need no stinking thirteen minutes of exposition.

16.44. Bags can be mysterious and funny.

17.50. Modern-day Willow appears. She's annoying too. She appears smitten with Cage, usually a symptom of being struck about the head and neck with a large rock.

19.28. Bees!

24.08. The Wicker Man is mentioned. The Wicker Man is never mentioned in the original. Cage loses his self-help tapes.

28.43. Cage falls through some rotten wood. Overly-dramatic music fails to fuck off.

35.00. This film is profoundly boring. I think one of my kidneys just shut down.

37.15. Big fucking crows! Just. Big. Fucking. Crows.

47.56. There's a dead kid in the water! But it's just a dream! Or is it? Yes! Cage has more forehead than before. Also: The Radio is dead!

54.00. I have never felt the absence of folk music so keenly.

56.35. Bees! Anaphylaxis! Epinephrine!

1.02.35. Misuse of the word 'Celtic'. It is correctly pronounced though. This is the highest praise I can muster so far.

1.05.39. I'm starting to hallucinate. Edward Woodward and Christopher Lee are micturating upon Cage. An endless stream, yet he never quite drowns.

1.10.19. Bees. Cage is also hallucinating. Mine's funnier.

1.11.37. "How'd it get burned!? Howdiditgeburned!? HOWDAGABUAHRRNED!"

1.13.03 Bearded lady. But the beard is all made of bees! Whatever will happen next?

1.16.15. Cage is just attacking children now. I knew this day would come. Also, somebody killed the pilot. Cage's wig is giving up. He's more forehead now than man. Fuck this.

1.20.02. Really, fuck this.

1.22.04. Cage is in a bear suit. He's abducting a child. He's knocked out three women so far. Fuck this.

1.28.20. The worst acting I have ever seen from Nicolas Cage. Con Air and Face/Off included.

1.33.00. They burnt him. The film is dedicated to Johnny Ramone. I can't imagine he'd have been pleased.

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