Watching The Omega Man. It's a pretty dreadful film, and I would like you to know this:
Big Chuck Heston's bingo wings will destroy us all.
Monday, January 07, 2008
The Future of Warfare.
I need a lot of money, quickly, in order to set up a restaurant. After much deliberation, I've decided the best way to set about this is to establish a Privatised Military Company (PMC) with the others who may be in this deal.
As with malicious blogging, I assume anonymity is crucial in this sort of venture. Therefore, my name will not be involved at all with the proceedings. Instead, the company will be known as Shitheel McGee and His Travelling Banditos (PLC).
In order to deliniate ourselves from other PMCs, other than in the fact that we do not know how to fight, and have never, in fact, held guns, we will offer ourselves as the environmentally friendly mercenary corporation you can trust. We will be the 'green' solution for all your 'black ops' needs.
This basically shakes out as us only ever travelling by ferry. We can actually only afford to travel by ferry.
Basically, if you've got a foreign government to overthrow, and you don't need it done with any particular haste or competence, look us up. We will be very cheap indeed.
As with malicious blogging, I assume anonymity is crucial in this sort of venture. Therefore, my name will not be involved at all with the proceedings. Instead, the company will be known as Shitheel McGee and His Travelling Banditos (PLC).
In order to deliniate ourselves from other PMCs, other than in the fact that we do not know how to fight, and have never, in fact, held guns, we will offer ourselves as the environmentally friendly mercenary corporation you can trust. We will be the 'green' solution for all your 'black ops' needs.
This basically shakes out as us only ever travelling by ferry. We can actually only afford to travel by ferry.
Basically, if you've got a foreign government to overthrow, and you don't need it done with any particular haste or competence, look us up. We will be very cheap indeed.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Back.
Back now. Exceptionally tired, having been in and out of airports all day on three hours sleep.
Give me a moment or two to snooze, and I will once again be available on the usual channels - phone, email, cryptic trail on facebook, and a good, old-fashioned smack in the chops.
Give me a moment or two to snooze, and I will once again be available on the usual channels - phone, email, cryptic trail on facebook, and a good, old-fashioned smack in the chops.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Saints and Scholars (I am Neither).
I'm off to Ireland, and so will be incommunicado for a few days.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
I Don't Learn.
A big part of Christmas for me, at least in recent years, is discovering just how horrible the Doctor Who Christmas special is. Every time I assume that this will be the year that they don't royally fuck up their most expensive episode, and every year I'm disappointed.
This year's was particularly vile. Amongst the offences:
It's been pretty bad for the last two years , but this one was pretty much a crime. There. It's out of my system now.
This year's was particularly vile. Amongst the offences:
- Every other line was an in-joke.
- A seemingly endless shot of The Doctor walking towards camera.
- Twee 'Magic of Christmas' bullshit.
- A huge, melodramatic "I'm the Doctor" speech.
- A need to come up with at least 8 deus ex machinas for when a sonic screwdriver just will not cut it.
- The whole script.
It's been pretty bad for the last two years , but this one was pretty much a crime. There. It's out of my system now.
Monday, December 24, 2007
False Advertising.
I've recently succumbed to some vague notions of modern male grooming. This is not to say that I am not some sort of grunting, hairy ape-boy, because I am. I just happen to be one that owns moisturiser. What I will say to those following my pioneering trail is this: dermatising microgranules is just a fancy term for very small grit. Do not be fooled.
In other news, I am occasionally stroking my signed His Dark Materials boxset (number 999 out of 1000, I'm sure that means something), and making little purring noises. My family are beginning to get used to the idea.
In other news, I am occasionally stroking my signed His Dark Materials boxset (number 999 out of 1000, I'm sure that means something), and making little purring noises. My family are beginning to get used to the idea.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
When Stunts Go Bad.
I'm watching Ghost Rider. I think it might be one of the worst films ever made. It barely makes sense, which is an achievement, given that it's a dumb action movie about a flaming skeleton chasing down the kid from American Beauty and his three emo friends.
It makes Daredevil look like a masterpiece. More when it's over.
It makes Daredevil look like a masterpiece. More when it's over.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
The War on Dumb.
Worst. Terrorist. Ever.
Wanted man. Caught at a checkpoint. In a wedding dress. How did anyone think that was a disguise?
Wanted man. Caught at a checkpoint. In a wedding dress. How did anyone think that was a disguise?
Thursday, November 22, 2007
The Welsh are Coming.
Jeff Minter is upset. This doesn't happen often, as he's a happy-go-lucky scamp. He spends his days frolicking in the Welsh hills, popping home every now and then to tend to his llamas, ingest mind-fucking quantities of mind-fucking psychotropic drugs, and program unplayable videogames.
Says Jeff:
"OK, we get the message. All you want on that channel is remakes of old, ***** arcade games and crap you vaguely remember playing on your Amiga. We'll shut up trying to do anything new then. Sorry for even trying."
Jeff's upset because an old, ***** arcade game, Frogger outsold his latest game, Space Giraffe by 10 to 1 last week. Jeff thinks it's unreasonable that no-one wanted his nice 'new' game. Jeff's new game is essentially another remake of Tempest, an old, ***** arcade game, but with different enemies and a more complicated scoring system.
It seems churlish to point out that people may have bought Frogger because they weighed up their options, and went for a game that doesn't make your brain slough away and trickle through your nose in fleshy chunks. But I did it anyway.
***** means shite, by the way.
Says Jeff:
"OK, we get the message. All you want on that channel is remakes of old, ***** arcade games and crap you vaguely remember playing on your Amiga. We'll shut up trying to do anything new then. Sorry for even trying."
Jeff's upset because an old, ***** arcade game, Frogger outsold his latest game, Space Giraffe by 10 to 1 last week. Jeff thinks it's unreasonable that no-one wanted his nice 'new' game. Jeff's new game is essentially another remake of Tempest, an old, ***** arcade game, but with different enemies and a more complicated scoring system.
It seems churlish to point out that people may have bought Frogger because they weighed up their options, and went for a game that doesn't make your brain slough away and trickle through your nose in fleshy chunks. But I did it anyway.
***** means shite, by the way.
Monday, November 12, 2007
That's Good Newsing! We Done News!
For some reason, I feel myself compelled to read pretty much any time I possibly can. This means that if I'm left alone for more than two minutes, I fire up the web browser on my phone and start reading the news. Unfortunately, there are only certain sites you can access for free on my tarriff, so I'm pretty much restricted to reading the ITN news portal for mobile browsers.
As you might expect, this is some pretty lousy news. I'll use the first story I read today as an illustration (apologies for lack of linkage, but I've no idea where to find it in a standard browser, and can't be bothered looking). The headline is 'Beowulf Premiere Hits London', and these are the edited highlights, with translation:
Quote: "Beowulf battles three enemies, Grandel (Newcomer Crispin Glover)..."
Translation: Despite having 45 screen credits, including the Back to the Future trilogy, The Doors, Wild at Heart, and the Charlies Goddamn Angels movies, as well as 2 directing credits, none of our staff have heard of Crispin Glover, who started his acting career in 1981.
Quote: "The image has been digitally enhanced using the latest animation techninques, giving Jolie's natural curves a bit of a boost."
Translation: The film is entirely CGI.
This is where I get most of my information about the world from. Explains a lot.
As you might expect, this is some pretty lousy news. I'll use the first story I read today as an illustration (apologies for lack of linkage, but I've no idea where to find it in a standard browser, and can't be bothered looking). The headline is 'Beowulf Premiere Hits London', and these are the edited highlights, with translation:
Quote: "Beowulf battles three enemies, Grandel (Newcomer Crispin Glover)..."
Translation: Despite having 45 screen credits, including the Back to the Future trilogy, The Doors, Wild at Heart, and the Charlies Goddamn Angels movies, as well as 2 directing credits, none of our staff have heard of Crispin Glover, who started his acting career in 1981.
Quote: "The image has been digitally enhanced using the latest animation techninques, giving Jolie's natural curves a bit of a boost."
Translation: The film is entirely CGI.
This is where I get most of my information about the world from. Explains a lot.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Speaking of Duality...
New competition. I now want song titles that are really fucking good song titles, but genuinely appalling names for porn films. And when I say appalling, I mean that they will, like medication bought from unsolicited emails, induce vomiting. I'll get the ball rolling, with the first track from The Wombats album:
Tales of Girls, Boys and Marsupials.
The gauntlet is down, folks. It is down.
Tales of Girls, Boys and Marsupials.
The gauntlet is down, folks. It is down.
Stealth Atheists - Secular Ninjas.
So, this December the His dark Materials trilogy is getting a movie. From what I've seen of the trailers, I'm not optimistic. But then, I'm never optimistic. I'm a grumpy old man. But that is beside the point.
The books have been perceived as anti-religious, and that's certainly one way of reading them. I take that with a pinch of salt, as I say worse things about religion before my first cup of coffee, then faster and more perceptively after. What they are is humanist - they promote a shared humanity that is far more important than any text. The 'villains' of the piece are those who lose sight of that - those who would harm people for their own ends. Sometimes those ends are religious, but the forces seeking to end religion (which has a palpable presence in the world of the books) also do terrible things to acheive their ends.
What the movie has done is reignited the supposed controversy over the books. From the IMDB, on the Catholic League:
League president William Donohue tells America's Entertainment Weekly magazine, "Parents might be inclined to say, 'Hey, our kid really enjoyed the movie, why don't we buy him His Dark Materials for Christmas?' (It) introduces the kid to atheism. (It's) a stealth campaign."
Excuse me, but how in the name of living fuck do you introduce a child to atheism? I'm sorry, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that a child is born an atheist. The water you sprinkle on it's head doesn't change that for a moment. A child is basically programmed to believe whatever it's parents say. A child also has an inherently dualist mentality - it's very hard for a child to realise that the voice it hears when it thinks is generated by a couple of pounds of electrically charged tissue. So religious notions fit very straightfordly into a child's worldview. I think if you raised someone to 18, with a normal education but no word of God, then presented them a bible, you'd still have an atheist.
Apologies for the stunningly obvious nature of this argument (to most), but the idea that there's a stealth atheist agenda makes me very, very angry, quite amused, and with a peculiar itch to start one.
The books have been perceived as anti-religious, and that's certainly one way of reading them. I take that with a pinch of salt, as I say worse things about religion before my first cup of coffee, then faster and more perceptively after. What they are is humanist - they promote a shared humanity that is far more important than any text. The 'villains' of the piece are those who lose sight of that - those who would harm people for their own ends. Sometimes those ends are religious, but the forces seeking to end religion (which has a palpable presence in the world of the books) also do terrible things to acheive their ends.
What the movie has done is reignited the supposed controversy over the books. From the IMDB, on the Catholic League:
League president William Donohue tells America's Entertainment Weekly magazine, "Parents might be inclined to say, 'Hey, our kid really enjoyed the movie, why don't we buy him His Dark Materials for Christmas?' (It) introduces the kid to atheism. (It's) a stealth campaign."
Excuse me, but how in the name of living fuck do you introduce a child to atheism? I'm sorry, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that a child is born an atheist. The water you sprinkle on it's head doesn't change that for a moment. A child is basically programmed to believe whatever it's parents say. A child also has an inherently dualist mentality - it's very hard for a child to realise that the voice it hears when it thinks is generated by a couple of pounds of electrically charged tissue. So religious notions fit very straightfordly into a child's worldview. I think if you raised someone to 18, with a normal education but no word of God, then presented them a bible, you'd still have an atheist.
Apologies for the stunningly obvious nature of this argument (to most), but the idea that there's a stealth atheist agenda makes me very, very angry, quite amused, and with a peculiar itch to start one.
Vital Information.
For those of you who have an interest in the American political process, or more specifically just how painful it is to watch it from within, then may I direct you to the mighty Gin and Tacos. Funny and savage, it's well worth a read. Observe:
"... I would like to recommend one of my favorite pieces of public opinion research, one that goes a long way toward understanding why our national political discourse is one step above a throng of retards slap-fighting in a mud puddle."
I've learnt some important things today, myself. One is that the new Wombats album is pretty fucking good. It has all the handclaps, la la la's and closed harmonies I expect from pop-leaning indie, along with some spiky guitars and amusing lyrics about doing stupid things and getting dumped for it. I proclaim it to be delightful.
The other thing I've learnt, and will pass on in case it's any use to anyone is this: if you've split your middle finger in two with a blunt knife, it can't hurt to lower your typing speed. It doesn't make you any less of a man. Knocking bloody chunks out of your hand though, quite literally, does.
"... I would like to recommend one of my favorite pieces of public opinion research, one that goes a long way toward understanding why our national political discourse is one step above a throng of retards slap-fighting in a mud puddle."
I've learnt some important things today, myself. One is that the new Wombats album is pretty fucking good. It has all the handclaps, la la la's and closed harmonies I expect from pop-leaning indie, along with some spiky guitars and amusing lyrics about doing stupid things and getting dumped for it. I proclaim it to be delightful.
The other thing I've learnt, and will pass on in case it's any use to anyone is this: if you've split your middle finger in two with a blunt knife, it can't hurt to lower your typing speed. It doesn't make you any less of a man. Knocking bloody chunks out of your hand though, quite literally, does.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Movie Time.
Despite a late entry from Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang with:
Shot In The Shoulder / Narration / Black Comedy / Corpse / Breasts
the great 'dumbass keywords' debate was never going to be won by such half-arsed attempts. So, ladies, gentlemen, may I present:
Toupee / Group Vomit / One Night / Lifting Person In Air / Blender
Goonies = for teh win!
Shot In The Shoulder / Narration / Black Comedy / Corpse / Breasts
the great 'dumbass keywords' debate was never going to be won by such half-arsed attempts. So, ladies, gentlemen, may I present:
Toupee / Group Vomit / One Night / Lifting Person In Air / Blender
Goonies = for teh win!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
No, Really. Horribly Wrong
It's like joy, wrapped in more joy, dipped in chocolate, and given a dusting of yet more joy. No, actually, it's extremely fucking daft.
If the scriptures are turning out to be too hard to understand, I'm willing to lend elements of my own, admittedly controversial, philosophy to these needy pastors. It goes something like this:
Don't be a cunt.
You'll probably find it works better than sermons on ancient Middle-Eastern tax law.
If the scriptures are turning out to be too hard to understand, I'm willing to lend elements of my own, admittedly controversial, philosophy to these needy pastors. It goes something like this:
Don't be a cunt.
You'll probably find it works better than sermons on ancient Middle-Eastern tax law.
How Much Cretin does $11 Million Buy?
You've got to feel sorry for Fred Phelps. Just because he and his followers gatecrash hundreds of funerals every year to spread their vile, idiotic, hate-filled message, they've left themselves open to a little spot of litigation.
No, hang on a second, you don't have to feel sorry for him at all. He's one of the worst human beings on the face of the planet, and every second he's not on fire is a second we're not correctly using all this oxygen we have knocking about the place.
Glad that's cleared up.
No, hang on a second, you don't have to feel sorry for him at all. He's one of the worst human beings on the face of the planet, and every second he's not on fire is a second we're not correctly using all this oxygen we have knocking about the place.
Glad that's cleared up.
Monday, October 29, 2007
The Correct Use of Astrophysics.
This is totally unfair. I've killed several large ruminants this year, and no-one thinks I'm that valuable. Some people seem to actively disapprove.
Hallelujah!
I have always said that if I was presented with convincing evidence for some sort of higher power, I would recant my naughty atheism.
That day is here.
That day is here.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Web 2.Ohforfuckssakepeoplearecretins
The IMDB is a tremendous resource. For the nerd who simply must know every little tiny bit of movie trivia, it is indispensable. It recently added a new user-generated feature, however, that is hurting me in the soul and a few other places.
You can now nominate plot keywords for movies, so that people can browse for things they like to see in movies. Here's an example:
1990s / Vomit Scene / Civil War / Border Crossing / Jeep.
Wow. Because I'm betting the guy who searched for '1990's' and 'Vomit Scene' was of course looking for Three Kings, a fairly harrowing black comedy about the first Gulf War, and definitely not looking for really weird porn.
Let's try another:
Mustache / Corpse / Limousine / Split Personality / Fashion
Give up? It is, of course, Batman Begins. Those are the five words that most adequately sum up that film.
So here it is folks. Audience participation time again. I want you to look the single most preposterous set of keywords for any movie on the IMDB. A pat on the back for the winner. Not an actual one, but an internet one. Which is better.
You can now nominate plot keywords for movies, so that people can browse for things they like to see in movies. Here's an example:
1990s / Vomit Scene / Civil War / Border Crossing / Jeep.
Wow. Because I'm betting the guy who searched for '1990's' and 'Vomit Scene' was of course looking for Three Kings, a fairly harrowing black comedy about the first Gulf War, and definitely not looking for really weird porn.
Let's try another:
Mustache / Corpse / Limousine / Split Personality / Fashion
Give up? It is, of course, Batman Begins. Those are the five words that most adequately sum up that film.
So here it is folks. Audience participation time again. I want you to look the single most preposterous set of keywords for any movie on the IMDB. A pat on the back for the winner. Not an actual one, but an internet one. Which is better.
Friday, October 26, 2007
It's Hard to Overstate My Satisfaction.
I have spent a genuinely terrifying amount of time with the various components of The Orange Box, and it's been great fun. I want to go into Portal in greater depth at some point soon. I haven't even touched Team Fortress yet, as I've been plowing through the four singleplayer components. They're all pretty great. The Source engine doesn't really look too great these days, but it features wonderful physics, and must be forgiven.
The mention of this brings me onto a soon-to-be-released game Bionic Commando. A sequel to/remake of the original arcade/NES game of the same name, it looks to be running heavily with the Havok physics as well. Anyone who's ever had the misfortune to have to watch me playing videogames, or listen to me talk about them, or really spend any time near me at all, will know that I am obsessed with physics in games. Utterly obsessed. I've been playing the things for over 20 years, and I'm pretty tired of shooting things and jumping on their heads. What I'm about these days is crushing them with bits of the environment, throwing them into walls, and generally being cruel and unusual.
What you probably didn't know is the original Bionic Commando is responsible for this. It was the first game I ever played that featured interesting physics. You shot out your bionic arm like a grappling hook, grabbed a platform, and swung across. To my 6-year-old self, this was like crack. It was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. I could never get past the second level of the damn thing, but it didn't matter, because I just loved making the little guy swing around shooting bigger guys with beards.
I knew that this was in development, but it wasn't until I saw the video, and more importantly, heard an orchestral version of the them song I know so well as a four-channel midi, that my inner child had a joy-seizure (I blame the sherbet dib-dabs myself), and I felt compelled to get this all out.
I think a worrying amount of my psyche may be hinged around this game. If this remake blows, I think the whole house of cards may come tumbling down. Woe betide those in my way.
The mention of this brings me onto a soon-to-be-released game Bionic Commando. A sequel to/remake of the original arcade/NES game of the same name, it looks to be running heavily with the Havok physics as well. Anyone who's ever had the misfortune to have to watch me playing videogames, or listen to me talk about them, or really spend any time near me at all, will know that I am obsessed with physics in games. Utterly obsessed. I've been playing the things for over 20 years, and I'm pretty tired of shooting things and jumping on their heads. What I'm about these days is crushing them with bits of the environment, throwing them into walls, and generally being cruel and unusual.
What you probably didn't know is the original Bionic Commando is responsible for this. It was the first game I ever played that featured interesting physics. You shot out your bionic arm like a grappling hook, grabbed a platform, and swung across. To my 6-year-old self, this was like crack. It was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. I could never get past the second level of the damn thing, but it didn't matter, because I just loved making the little guy swing around shooting bigger guys with beards.
I knew that this was in development, but it wasn't until I saw the video, and more importantly, heard an orchestral version of the them song I know so well as a four-channel midi, that my inner child had a joy-seizure (I blame the sherbet dib-dabs myself), and I felt compelled to get this all out.
I think a worrying amount of my psyche may be hinged around this game. If this remake blows, I think the whole house of cards may come tumbling down. Woe betide those in my way.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Spam On!
Today's spam entry is a different format to those previous. It's not the subject bar, but the body text I shall be detailing. I hope I don't lose anyone with this radical overhaul. With that fully in mind, cautiously onwards we go:
If you are looking for information concerning in which manner you are able tospan some more mass for your reproduction organ, get what's gonna help.
blind olaf grimm birgit ahead wattle vat ! we're we'll.
icicle.
A work of astonishing power and insight, I'm sure you'll agree.
If you are looking for information concerning in which manner you are able tospan some more mass for your reproduction organ, get what's gonna help.
blind olaf grimm birgit ahead wattle vat ! we're we'll.
icicle.
A work of astonishing power and insight, I'm sure you'll agree.
Inappropriate Touching.
This made me laugh harder than anything in the last few days, and I watched a guy kicking a puppy.
You've got to admire his dedication to the job, but when your company has to issue a statement explaining how he "handled the truffles innapropriately", you know you've taken it too far.
You've got to admire his dedication to the job, but when your company has to issue a statement explaining how he "handled the truffles innapropriately", you know you've taken it too far.
The Shame of it All.
Most people, when they find themselves in a position to stare bleary-eyed around a room upon waking and think "What did I do last night?" will be looking at discarded tequila bottles, a cowboy hat, maybe a dead hooker or two. Not me. I look at my DVD shelf, and spy both The Fantastic 4 and Casshern.
In the depths of the foulest mood yet to come upon me this year, which is really saying something, I decided I needed to watch some fairly trashy movies. Now, Blockbuster's 2 DVD's for £10 has previously supplied me with some fairly decent movies (also the Nicolas Cage version of The Wicker Man, but that's for a bet). Last night it provided me with those two.
The Fantastic 4 is nowhere near as bad as people make out. It's a kid's film, based on a comic book that has never really gone for any particular depth, and working purely on those terms it succceeds. It's fun, no-one really lets themselves down too badly (except Julian McMahon, who is the least threatening villain ever, although his previous ouevre has been so shit that I don't really think this represents a significant drop for him). It's also remarkably smutty in places, which I always get a laugh out of in a kids flick.
Casshern is a movie I've seen before, and I have no particular idea why I bought it. It's a bizzarre CG/live-action blend from Japan. It's about a guy who gets reanimated (also, superpowers) shoved in a spiffy white suit of armour, and heads off to kick the shit out of giant robots. The bits in which he does this are some of the most inventive and outright fun fight scenes in any film. Unfortunately, they are bookended by two hours of torturous and nonsensical exposition. You can really get more fun by watching the trailer over and over for a couple of hours. Still, it is full of giant robots. And I does love me some giant robots.
In other news, I seem to spend most of my gaming time not getting called 'a gaywad' by American teeenagers on Halo 3, but instead playing Probotector 2: a 20 year-old NES game. Peculiar behaviour, even by my standards, but the game holds a special place in my heart. For one thing, it was one of the games on an old Playchoice 10 cabinet in my local leisure centre, and the story of it's release in the west amuses me. Originally the series was called Contra. A couple of things got changed in translation. The human main characters and enemies all got changed into robots, so our sensitive European tastes would not be offended by all the violence. Also, and more obviously, the name got changed from Contra to something that sounds like a sci-fi themed sex aid, presumably so no parent would have to endure a conversation along the lines of:
"Mummy, what's a Contra?"
"Why, they're South American guerrilla fighters, Jeremy. The US government funds them to fight communists with money they illegally gained by selling weapons to Iran, a sworn enemy of the state. Don't trust whitey, Jeremy, whatever you do, don't trust whitey."
Or so I imagine. Thanks, Konami, for your enduring sensitivity.
In the depths of the foulest mood yet to come upon me this year, which is really saying something, I decided I needed to watch some fairly trashy movies. Now, Blockbuster's 2 DVD's for £10 has previously supplied me with some fairly decent movies (also the Nicolas Cage version of The Wicker Man, but that's for a bet). Last night it provided me with those two.
The Fantastic 4 is nowhere near as bad as people make out. It's a kid's film, based on a comic book that has never really gone for any particular depth, and working purely on those terms it succceeds. It's fun, no-one really lets themselves down too badly (except Julian McMahon, who is the least threatening villain ever, although his previous ouevre has been so shit that I don't really think this represents a significant drop for him). It's also remarkably smutty in places, which I always get a laugh out of in a kids flick.
Casshern is a movie I've seen before, and I have no particular idea why I bought it. It's a bizzarre CG/live-action blend from Japan. It's about a guy who gets reanimated (also, superpowers) shoved in a spiffy white suit of armour, and heads off to kick the shit out of giant robots. The bits in which he does this are some of the most inventive and outright fun fight scenes in any film. Unfortunately, they are bookended by two hours of torturous and nonsensical exposition. You can really get more fun by watching the trailer over and over for a couple of hours. Still, it is full of giant robots. And I does love me some giant robots.
In other news, I seem to spend most of my gaming time not getting called 'a gaywad' by American teeenagers on Halo 3, but instead playing Probotector 2: a 20 year-old NES game. Peculiar behaviour, even by my standards, but the game holds a special place in my heart. For one thing, it was one of the games on an old Playchoice 10 cabinet in my local leisure centre, and the story of it's release in the west amuses me. Originally the series was called Contra. A couple of things got changed in translation. The human main characters and enemies all got changed into robots, so our sensitive European tastes would not be offended by all the violence. Also, and more obviously, the name got changed from Contra to something that sounds like a sci-fi themed sex aid, presumably so no parent would have to endure a conversation along the lines of:
"Mummy, what's a Contra?"
"Why, they're South American guerrilla fighters, Jeremy. The US government funds them to fight communists with money they illegally gained by selling weapons to Iran, a sworn enemy of the state. Don't trust whitey, Jeremy, whatever you do, don't trust whitey."
Or so I imagine. Thanks, Konami, for your enduring sensitivity.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Sunday, October 07, 2007
I Have a Hard Time Finding the Dignity in This.
This wasn't going to be my next post. I had a lovely post lined up, about truth, and beauty, and art. But of course, religion had to go and rear it's ugly head.
This whole thing, which most people found amusing for a while, ceased to be even that a while back. But now, seemingly purely for publicity's sake, the Dean of Manchester Cathedral is once more shaking off the binding chains of clear and rational thought, is digging out his soapbox, and he's yelling to the three people that will listen. And yes, I've lapped it up. And yes, I'm transmitting it (albeit to a very small number of people). But really? "Sacred digital rights"?
How daft do we have to be here? We are talking about a game that depicts a war between man and alien in an alternative 1950's in which WW2 never ended. If you were exceptionally sensitive, and I guess some folks are, I can see this causing a problem. But, if you are that sensitive, you have bigger problems, such as the acquisition of truly epic amounts of rubber sheeting.
Sacred. Digital. Rights. You heard it here first. Pesky freedom of expression pales next to 'em.
This whole thing, which most people found amusing for a while, ceased to be even that a while back. But now, seemingly purely for publicity's sake, the Dean of Manchester Cathedral is once more shaking off the binding chains of clear and rational thought, is digging out his soapbox, and he's yelling to the three people that will listen. And yes, I've lapped it up. And yes, I'm transmitting it (albeit to a very small number of people). But really? "Sacred digital rights"?
How daft do we have to be here? We are talking about a game that depicts a war between man and alien in an alternative 1950's in which WW2 never ended. If you were exceptionally sensitive, and I guess some folks are, I can see this causing a problem. But, if you are that sensitive, you have bigger problems, such as the acquisition of truly epic amounts of rubber sheeting.
Sacred. Digital. Rights. You heard it here first. Pesky freedom of expression pales next to 'em.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Meanwhile, in Videogames...
Been a while since I wrote about games. Good for those of you who skip these, bad for me, because it means I've been doing things like socialising, reading, even smiling. In short, all the things I do when I'm between meds.
First things first: Halo 3 is really quite good indeed. It would be a churlish man who decided it to be less than splendid.
Now my main point. Xbox Live Arcade has been up and running for two years, but has somehow only this week managed to get a version of Tetris. I even have Tetris on my phone, for Ben & Jerry's sake. I like Tetris. Two years should be plenty of time to put together a game that bears some passing resemblance to Tetris.
Oh God. It's so profoundly horrible. The one thing I genuinely do not need, absolutely have no use for, is a tutorial in how to play Tetris. But this seems to start itself whenever you load the game. This, to my mind, is villainy. No less. I could also do without the breathy voice of a day-release mental patient panting 'single' and 'double' when you clear lines. It doesn't help.
Here's the thing. It's Tetris. Anything you try to add inevitably detracts. Please stop fucking about. It was fine in 1987, it would still be fine now if you didn't need a handheld the size of a small family saloon to play it on.
First things first: Halo 3 is really quite good indeed. It would be a churlish man who decided it to be less than splendid.
Now my main point. Xbox Live Arcade has been up and running for two years, but has somehow only this week managed to get a version of Tetris. I even have Tetris on my phone, for Ben & Jerry's sake. I like Tetris. Two years should be plenty of time to put together a game that bears some passing resemblance to Tetris.
Oh God. It's so profoundly horrible. The one thing I genuinely do not need, absolutely have no use for, is a tutorial in how to play Tetris. But this seems to start itself whenever you load the game. This, to my mind, is villainy. No less. I could also do without the breathy voice of a day-release mental patient panting 'single' and 'double' when you clear lines. It doesn't help.
Here's the thing. It's Tetris. Anything you try to add inevitably detracts. Please stop fucking about. It was fine in 1987, it would still be fine now if you didn't need a handheld the size of a small family saloon to play it on.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
Time Wasting.
I have been trying to write, which is a difficult thing to do when you have fuck all by means of inspiration and an internet connection. Procrastination is the order of the day, which leads me indirectly to this.
For most people reading, this will be the single most pointless thing they've ever seen, but I want you to know a couple of things.
If you could properly capture a sigh in text, this one would be both drawn-out and world-weary. It would also smell like the quite excellent Islay malt I bought for 'inspiration'.
For most people reading, this will be the single most pointless thing they've ever seen, but I want you to know a couple of things.
- I'm really procrastinating quite hard.
- Batman-logo peanut sweets are looking like being the high point of my life to date.
If you could properly capture a sigh in text, this one would be both drawn-out and world-weary. It would also smell like the quite excellent Islay malt I bought for 'inspiration'.
Proof, if Proof Were Needed.
Swearing is both big and clever. Because when someone like, say, CNN comes out with a headline like, say "F-Word Bush Editorial Splits Students" they sound like a simpering idiot child, trying to get away with saying what they actually want to say in front of a stern parent.
For the record, the word in question is fuck, and not only is it a word that you can say without being struck by lightning or getting boils in sensitive places, it's flat-out hilarious most of the time.
For the record, the word in question is fuck, and not only is it a word that you can say without being struck by lightning or getting boils in sensitive places, it's flat-out hilarious most of the time.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
200 Posts.
As the title would suggest, this is my 200th post on this blog. A time for reflection, I think, a time to ruminate and think about what the last year of spilling bilious HTML has been about.
Well, reading back through the posts, it seems I have spent the last year very angry indeed. This is of very little surprise to anyone, as I have some crazy ideas about how the world should be (here's a hint, it'd be nice if everyone stopped fucking each other over for spare change), and a very, very low tolerance for stupidity.
I don't feel too bad about that, truth be told. The fact that I'm angry about these things simply suggests that my brain is still working, despite it's advancing years and chemical impediments. On reflection, I would also seem to be quite intolerant. But then, there are plenty of things just not worth tolerating.
I also made some gags about genitalia. There has to be a balance. Here's to the next 200 posts.
Cock.
Well, reading back through the posts, it seems I have spent the last year very angry indeed. This is of very little surprise to anyone, as I have some crazy ideas about how the world should be (here's a hint, it'd be nice if everyone stopped fucking each other over for spare change), and a very, very low tolerance for stupidity.
I don't feel too bad about that, truth be told. The fact that I'm angry about these things simply suggests that my brain is still working, despite it's advancing years and chemical impediments. On reflection, I would also seem to be quite intolerant. But then, there are plenty of things just not worth tolerating.
I also made some gags about genitalia. There has to be a balance. Here's to the next 200 posts.
Cock.
Loathsome Goons.
So, apparently Blackwater Security are going to have their staff taken to trial for killing Iraqi civilians. All well and good, you might think, people who kill folk should probably have that sort of thing happen to them, but this is fairly major news. It shows a couple of very pertinent things:
- That the Iraqi Security Council has finally developed enough of a spine to stand up to the US Governement.
- That the days of providing money for the GOP being rewarded with a blank chequebook might be drawing to a close.
- Finally, that if this does end up embarassing the US as much as it should, they may start to regard these lunatic mercenaries as just that, rather than a prudent investment.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
The Great Experiment Has Failed.
Thanks for your two responses. You two may live (except you Dave, I know that was you outside my window last night).
I'm afraid to say I went against the tide of popular opinion. Somewhere at the back of my head a little voice told me to stay the course. The reason being, she might realise that my sole reason to cross the road would be to get away from her crazy arythmical jerking, upsetting her endlessly, and impinging upon her fundamental rights to be a crazy dancing lady.
That and i thought she had a knife. No-one wants to be stalked by a crazy dancing lady with a knife.
I'm afraid to say I went against the tide of popular opinion. Somewhere at the back of my head a little voice told me to stay the course. The reason being, she might realise that my sole reason to cross the road would be to get away from her crazy arythmical jerking, upsetting her endlessly, and impinging upon her fundamental rights to be a crazy dancing lady.
That and i thought she had a knife. No-one wants to be stalked by a crazy dancing lady with a knife.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Audience Participation Time.
OK folks, I know you're reading this, but it's time to get over your fear of the comments field, because we face the greatest moral conundrum of our time, and we're going to have to put our heads together if we're to get anything like a working model.
My question, based on a real-life encounter (as in, I'm not making this up, not 'it didn't occur in World of Warcraft'), is this:
Is it OK to cross the road to avoid a middle-aged women in cut-off jeans who is singing along to whatever is on her discman (yes, discman) and is fucking dancing?
I want to know what you folks think. I'll let you scribble it down and then I'll tell you what I did. I judge you first. That's how this works.
My question, based on a real-life encounter (as in, I'm not making this up, not 'it didn't occur in World of Warcraft'), is this:
Is it OK to cross the road to avoid a middle-aged women in cut-off jeans who is singing along to whatever is on her discman (yes, discman) and is fucking dancing?
I want to know what you folks think. I'll let you scribble it down and then I'll tell you what I did. I judge you first. That's how this works.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Declining Standards.
You've decided you want to establish a neo-nazi group, for whatever reasons you see fit *cough* repressed *cough* retarded *cough*. And you think to yourself, I'm leaving my home country anyway, where would really benefit from my fresh take on an age-old irrational prejudice? Where could I find an awful lot of Jews?
And then it strikes you. It seems so simple. I will form a neo-nazi organisation in Israel!
Seriously, how stupid is that. Were I so inclined towards irrational prejudice (mine are well thought-out, thankyou and goodnight), I would hope that I would not be so dumb as to form an antisemitic organisation somewhere that is chock fucking full of Mossad.
And then it strikes you. It seems so simple. I will form a neo-nazi organisation in Israel!
Seriously, how stupid is that. Were I so inclined towards irrational prejudice (mine are well thought-out, thankyou and goodnight), I would hope that I would not be so dumb as to form an antisemitic organisation somewhere that is chock fucking full of Mossad.
Wasting Yet More Time.
I and others have a new work-related blog, an illuminating set of examples of human inadequacy in practice. I realise it's been done before, but fuck it, we're pretty funny, and have a staggering concentration of idiot in our daily lives. You will read. You will enjoy.
It is here.
It is here.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Pills.
Going by my intermittent rantings on these here internets, you could easily confuse me for someone who is currently healthy, or at the very least, cogent. Why, I almost did myself about an hour ago, when I set out into the unknown on a bold and noble quest for soup and ibuprofen.
The first thing I noticed was that my sense of balance is shot to all hell. I was kind of aware of this before, but it's a whole different matter when you are no longer surrounded by furniture and other soft things to fall on, but instead giant spiders and serial killers. Nonetheless, I needed a tin of ol' Muligatawny, and continued on to Asda. It's at about this point that everything started to break down. As far as I can tell, I spent the best part of five minutes wandering around, trying to find ibuprofen, all the while mumbling "pills" as loud as one can mumble.*
Long story short, I had to spend some intimate time with a burly security guard named Barry**, who was as much of a gentleman as one can expect, given the circumstances. When I returned home, I found someone had managed to get into my ebay account, tried to buy some otaku shit, cancelled the order, and got me banned.
One suspects the dread hand of the cosplayer at work. Who else would want a "Harajuku Juicy Cute Girl Panda Carry Tote Bag"?
*True.
**Not even slightly true.
The first thing I noticed was that my sense of balance is shot to all hell. I was kind of aware of this before, but it's a whole different matter when you are no longer surrounded by furniture and other soft things to fall on, but instead giant spiders and serial killers. Nonetheless, I needed a tin of ol' Muligatawny, and continued on to Asda. It's at about this point that everything started to break down. As far as I can tell, I spent the best part of five minutes wandering around, trying to find ibuprofen, all the while mumbling "pills" as loud as one can mumble.*
Long story short, I had to spend some intimate time with a burly security guard named Barry**, who was as much of a gentleman as one can expect, given the circumstances. When I returned home, I found someone had managed to get into my ebay account, tried to buy some otaku shit, cancelled the order, and got me banned.
One suspects the dread hand of the cosplayer at work. Who else would want a "Harajuku Juicy Cute Girl Panda Carry Tote Bag"?
*True.
**Not even slightly true.
Oh, Those Priests
Just how much Child Abuse does $200 million buy you? I'm assuming that as it's for religious purposes, it's tax-exempt.
Amma sore un da headpipes
About a month ago, Michael Bay took a pretty good stab at retrospectively ruining my childhood. He almost succeeded. After a brief convalesence at a top secret location where my head was scrubbed inside and out with bleach, I felt that I was ready to step back into the world again. That I was cleansed, and no more harm could come to me, or to the flimsy structures shoring up my mind. I was so very, very wrong:
Know this, cosplayers, you will be first up against the wall when the revolution comes.
Update:I've just realised that is a branch of Waterstones the manshecreature is standing in. There's a possibility it's in this very town. I'm going down as soon as I'm mobile again to check the layout. Heads will roll.
Know this, cosplayers, you will be first up against the wall when the revolution comes.
Update:I've just realised that is a branch of Waterstones the manshecreature is standing in. There's a possibility it's in this very town. I'm going down as soon as I'm mobile again to check the layout. Heads will roll.
Huzzahs!
I am currently feeling like pounded crap. No matter, because help is at hand. I mean, that's pretty much the definition of good news.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Michael Behe just peed a little.
Whilst it's been common knowledge for a long time that viruses and bacteria may pass on DNA to their host species (the Human Y chromosome is little more than a short stretch of DNA that roughly transcribes to 'hairy, with a cock' strapped onto a whole bunch of parasitic DNA), this is the first time the whole genome of a parasite has been found in it's host.
Obviously, this could allow for large, rapid evolutionary movements for the host. It could become immune to the parasite, freeing up resources and giving it a competitive advantage. It could develop new atrributes. Or it could just die. It'll definitely be interesting to see where this goes.
Obviously, this could allow for large, rapid evolutionary movements for the host. It could become immune to the parasite, freeing up resources and giving it a competitive advantage. It could develop new atrributes. Or it could just die. It'll definitely be interesting to see where this goes.
Don't Look Behind the Curtain, Dorothy.
According to a new book, President Bush does a lot of crying behind closed doors at The White House. It goes on to reveal the top causes of Presidential Temper Tantrums:
I would hope, though very much against hope, that he might have shed a tear when his administration ignored warning services for a full 24 hours and allowed the levees to break in New Orleans, reclassifying the disaster from a federal emergency into an 'act of God', and passing the buck onto insurance companies, that he might have shed the odd tear then. After all, they cost the lives of thousands of US citizens as a cost saving measure. Might just tug at the ol' heart strings, give perhaps a twinge of guilt?
Somehow I doubt it.
- When Dick Cheney stood next to him in the big boys bathroom.
- Not being allowed ice cream for breakfast
- Unable to find Mr Snuffles (toy Scotty dog)
- Not being allowed to stay up late to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre on cable.
I would hope, though very much against hope, that he might have shed a tear when his administration ignored warning services for a full 24 hours and allowed the levees to break in New Orleans, reclassifying the disaster from a federal emergency into an 'act of God', and passing the buck onto insurance companies, that he might have shed the odd tear then. After all, they cost the lives of thousands of US citizens as a cost saving measure. Might just tug at the ol' heart strings, give perhaps a twinge of guilt?
Somehow I doubt it.
Monday, September 03, 2007
A Troubling Development
There is a shower of grotesque bastards pulling up the road outside my house. I am not best pleased at this. I have two options.
We'll see what transpires.
- 1. Go out. Sit and drink coffee very slowly. Read. Remain sane.
- 2. Stay here and make a primitive napalm analogue from swarfega, creme de menthe and cat hair.
We'll see what transpires.
Hot Druid Action - Oh My!
OK folks, this is a little exercise in what we call 'logical fallacy'. This man claims that he won the lottery because he is a Wiccan. His new age book store somehow gave him the power (maybe winning lottery numbers spring forth from ley lines) to discern that particular weeks winning numbers. I might be wrong on this, but I had thought that lotteries had been won by at least several non-Wiccans in the past.
I mean, just look at him. Doesn't he look like the luckiest guy you've ever seen? He's stood in front of a magical fucking twig, for God's sake. What I wouldn't give to have his glamourous life.
I mean, just look at him. Doesn't he look like the luckiest guy you've ever seen? He's stood in front of a magical fucking twig, for God's sake. What I wouldn't give to have his glamourous life.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Grindingly Inevitable.
Dear Australia,
You are no longer to be considered a developed nation by the rest of the world. Whilst we realise that your contributions to any overall world culture were slight at best, please do not consider this an outright snub. We will be sending anthropologists in due course. In the meantime, might we suggest you pass the time by killing and eating a few of your insufferable soap stars? Just a thought.
Yours sincerely,
Everyone Else.
You are no longer to be considered a developed nation by the rest of the world. Whilst we realise that your contributions to any overall world culture were slight at best, please do not consider this an outright snub. We will be sending anthropologists in due course. In the meantime, might we suggest you pass the time by killing and eating a few of your insufferable soap stars? Just a thought.
Yours sincerely,
Everyone Else.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Friday, August 31, 2007
Express Ex Mortis
Sad news today, as the headline on CNN.com, 'Diana Recalled as Princes' Guardian, Friend' was not, as I had hoped, a spot of Daily Express-sponsored necromancy, but was merely another example of the atrocity heaped upon the English language by those that consider themselves to be journalists.
A great shame, on so many levels.
A great shame, on so many levels.
No pictures.
*A note before we begin. Arachnophobes, do not click on the link. You will never sleep again.*
Wow. I'm slightly baffled by this. Behavioural ecology is kind of my thing (it passes the time, but is so much tidier than casual violence), so I will be pretty interested to see what people think is going on here.
Wow. I'm slightly baffled by this. Behavioural ecology is kind of my thing (it passes the time, but is so much tidier than casual violence), so I will be pretty interested to see what people think is going on here.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Barbarians at the Gate.
At work today, I was approached by a gentleman with an apparantly keen interest in Evelyn Waugh. The conversation went roughly like this:
Gent: 'Er, yeah, so you don't have what I'm looking for, and I know there's a Waterstones, but I'm from Lincoln.'
Me: 'It's pretty much right outside our front door. We have almost everything by Waugh, what was it you wanted?'
Gent: 'I don't know. I'll know it when I see it. I'm from Lincoln.'
Me: 'OK. Did you actually look at the bookshelves?'
Gent: 'Yeah. You don't have any books by Evelyn Waugh. I'm from Lincoln. Where's Waterstones?'
Gent: 'Er, yeah, so you don't have what I'm looking for, and I know there's a Waterstones, but I'm from Lincoln.'
Me: 'It's pretty much right outside our front door. We have almost everything by Waugh, what was it you wanted?'
Gent: 'I don't know. I'll know it when I see it. I'm from Lincoln.'
Me: 'OK. Did you actually look at the bookshelves?'
Gent: 'Yeah. You don't have any books by Evelyn Waugh. I'm from Lincoln. Where's Waterstones?'
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Sometimes I Get Angry
I really can't stress enough how much I hate Asda supermarkets. Huge, hanger-like buildings filled with the lowest possible quality goods, harsh lighting, and endless false-cheery anouncements about delightful special offers (something my own workplace is sadly eager to imitate). I occasionally have to venture in to the one behind my house when I forget to pick up everything I need from the much better supermarket near where I work, or if I simply need booze. I could, if I felt the need, go in there whenever I felt the need to see a wondrous, stereoscopic display of how not to raise a child - to be in an Asda store is to be surrounded by a hundred screaming kids, being ignored by a hundred disinterested parents as they shovel sugary processed crap onto a conveyer belt, finishing chemically what their behavioural cues have started.
This isn't really going anywhere, I just felt the need to get it off my chest. The one ray of light in the shitstorm that is this hive of modern commerce is that today i found a marvellous product. Or rather, the packaging was marvellous.
"Pork Scratchings - Low in Carbs!"
Marketing genius.
One thing that doesn't depress me is Bioshock. I've been playing it for every spare minute of the last three days, and would seem to be only about halfway through. The sheer amount of content is incredible - it's so incredibly detailed, and the amazing thing is that virtually nothing in it has a real-life counterpart. Virtually every surface, machine, item of clothing has been designed from scratch. OK, it's drawn from a twisted revivalist art deco style, but that doesn't really diminish what's been created.
So, It's pretty much all I wanted. Huzzah. It's a pity it launched the same day as Blue Dragon, as I was planning on using that as my jumping-off point back into the creepy and obsessive world of Japanese RPGs. It shall have to wait.
This isn't really going anywhere, I just felt the need to get it off my chest. The one ray of light in the shitstorm that is this hive of modern commerce is that today i found a marvellous product. Or rather, the packaging was marvellous.
"Pork Scratchings - Low in Carbs!"
Marketing genius.
One thing that doesn't depress me is Bioshock. I've been playing it for every spare minute of the last three days, and would seem to be only about halfway through. The sheer amount of content is incredible - it's so incredibly detailed, and the amazing thing is that virtually nothing in it has a real-life counterpart. Virtually every surface, machine, item of clothing has been designed from scratch. OK, it's drawn from a twisted revivalist art deco style, but that doesn't really diminish what's been created.
So, It's pretty much all I wanted. Huzzah. It's a pity it launched the same day as Blue Dragon, as I was planning on using that as my jumping-off point back into the creepy and obsessive world of Japanese RPGs. It shall have to wait.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
I Grow Discouraged by the Tone.
If I were a less civilised man, I'd embed a midi file of 'Ride of the Valkyries' to go with this.
Go, Bill, Go!
Go, Bill, Go!
Kicking My Heels and Waiting for Bioshock
I'd warned the people of Japan to pay more attention to their limbs, but apparently they they just did not listen. If they're going to refuse my help, there's very little I can do about events such as these.
In gaming news, the latest game from ruminant-bothering Welshman Jeff Minter hit Live Arcade today. Space Giraffe (yeah, that's right) is kind of like Tempest, but seems like it's been put together by a drug-addled Llama farmer in his mum's cottage. And with very good reason. I think I like it, but it's so odd that I can't be sure. I'm almost certain that it's the sort of game that has quite a degree of hidden complexity. I'm also certain that it's the sort of game in which the closest thing there is to a cheat mode is guzzling peyote and spinning round in a big fucking circle.
Also investigated EA's challenge to the Tony Hawk franchise, the irritatingly lower-case skate. Difficult to control, but all the more satisfying for it, there's a chance that EA will steal the top spot in yet another genre. Peculiar thing is, this time they might deserve it. A few other demoes have appeared in recent days. Fatal inertia is some sort of futuristic racing game; also abomination. Blazing Angels 2 is very similar to Blazing Angels 1, insofar as it is wilfully, Earth-shatteringly shite.
In gaming news, the latest game from ruminant-bothering Welshman Jeff Minter hit Live Arcade today. Space Giraffe (yeah, that's right) is kind of like Tempest, but seems like it's been put together by a drug-addled Llama farmer in his mum's cottage. And with very good reason. I think I like it, but it's so odd that I can't be sure. I'm almost certain that it's the sort of game that has quite a degree of hidden complexity. I'm also certain that it's the sort of game in which the closest thing there is to a cheat mode is guzzling peyote and spinning round in a big fucking circle.
Also investigated EA's challenge to the Tony Hawk franchise, the irritatingly lower-case skate. Difficult to control, but all the more satisfying for it, there's a chance that EA will steal the top spot in yet another genre. Peculiar thing is, this time they might deserve it. A few other demoes have appeared in recent days. Fatal inertia is some sort of futuristic racing game; also abomination. Blazing Angels 2 is very similar to Blazing Angels 1, insofar as it is wilfully, Earth-shatteringly shite.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Buzz buzz buzz
Sometimes , there are just no words. And sometimes there are the words "Dude, you held up a betting shop with a dildo, what the fuck did you expect?"
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Much worse than that chicken...
It's a good day when you click on a headline like Beijing's Penis Emporium and it's not just a story about Second Life.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
A Certain Degree of Abomination.
Apologies for the orientation of the picture. I am not yet fully back up and running with all my technologies, and so am reliant on sending things from my phone to add pictures. What I will not apologise for, however, and what you can clearly see is what I spent last night doing, is ramming a beer can up a chicken and setting it upon a barbecue.
This is not something I did purely for comedy value, or from a desire to shock, though it is very, very funny (particularly the jaunty angle on the wing -steppin' out!). It's a classic (insomuch that something can be in this context) piece of redneck cookery, and I felt compelled to try it. It works really well. Lovely juicy meat from being steamed with beer, nice charred skin. It was definitely the tastiest abomination of recent days.
In other news, it would really please me if the people of Japan would pay more attention to their limbs. They're useful for all sorts of things.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Of Giant Drills, and Whether You Kill Things
So, Bioshock then. The demo finally downloaded, a full 12 hours after I started it. Were hopes and dreams fulfilled? Shattered, shat on?
Mostly fulfilled, as it happens. You're never going to get the best (by which I mean the open ended moral and economic choices of the best RPGs) that you get in this sort of game from a short demo.
What you do get from this demo is the impression that this is a game that has been designed with genuine care and intelligence. It was fun, a bit more shooty than I was expecting perhaps, but good. The only real mis-step, to my mind, is having a main character called Atlas.
We got it.
Mostly fulfilled, as it happens. You're never going to get the best (by which I mean the open ended moral and economic choices of the best RPGs) that you get in this sort of game from a short demo.
What you do get from this demo is the impression that this is a game that has been designed with genuine care and intelligence. It was fun, a bit more shooty than I was expecting perhaps, but good. The only real mis-step, to my mind, is having a main character called Atlas.
We got it.
A plea for Moderation
It turns out that, should you be a bit daft, it is possible to overdose on caffeine.
To give perspective, this girl drank fourteen espressos. I am 6' 2", 17 stone, and a coffee whore. I could only drink that much coffee in a full day if I really pushed myself. After the first 4-6 I start to feel paranoid and quite unwell. How you push yourself past that point, especially over such a short period of time, I really do not know.
I like the fact that she's dedicating herself to stopping others doing the same profoundly stupid thing that no-one in their right mind would do in the first place. The denial-laced comments from the father are a joy as well. You don't have to peer to hard between the lines to see a broken man muttering "She's a cretin. A fucking cretin." over and over to himself.
To give perspective, this girl drank fourteen espressos. I am 6' 2", 17 stone, and a coffee whore. I could only drink that much coffee in a full day if I really pushed myself. After the first 4-6 I start to feel paranoid and quite unwell. How you push yourself past that point, especially over such a short period of time, I really do not know.
I like the fact that she's dedicating herself to stopping others doing the same profoundly stupid thing that no-one in their right mind would do in the first place. The denial-laced comments from the father are a joy as well. You don't have to peer to hard between the lines to see a broken man muttering "She's a cretin. A fucking cretin." over and over to himself.
Ponderous
There's a demo of Bioshock on Xbox Live Marketplace. A progress bar has never moved so slowly. I needs me some art-deco-Randian-ultra-leftist-social-engineering-gone-wrong-in-a-fucked-up-undersea-world action. Needs it bad.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
A spot of bother.
People more moderate than I have said that religion should be tolerated, in spite of the incredible damage it does to society, because of the joy it brings to individuals. Normally I would dismiss this as piffle, and strike them soundly about the skull with whatever came to hand, but today religion has brought me a certain happiness.
Let's assume for a moment that we are evolved from some sort of precursor species. One that perhaps did not have all of mankind's intelligence and capacity for self-delusion. That creature would behave much like every other animal demonstrably does - that is, attempt to find food and breed. Maybe the males would help look after their offspring, though that would depend on whether the food available and the level of danger in the environment would make it a better bet to father and abandon many children, or protect and nurture one to developmental maturity.
Assuming the latter is the case, which seems likely as this is how humans tend to behave, males should show a preference for partners they think to be loyal, reducing the chances of their wasting time and resources to raising another male's child. This brings me, in a roundabout way to my point.
One of the most obvious ways of assuring a female was, if only to begin with, faithful, would be if she was a virgin. Therefore males that actively selected for this (I'm assuming this precursor to be social because of overwhelming evidence that I'm not listing here) should have more luck reproductively, and a greater chance of passing their genes on.
The huge, belly-laugh inducing irony therefore is that one of the traits of the major religions (no sex before marriage) held up as an example of how humans are somehow inherently different from other species, that they possess some spark of the divine, is simply a ritualised form of a demonstrably evolutionary trait.
I'll be chuckling under my breath for weeks.
Let's assume for a moment that we are evolved from some sort of precursor species. One that perhaps did not have all of mankind's intelligence and capacity for self-delusion. That creature would behave much like every other animal demonstrably does - that is, attempt to find food and breed. Maybe the males would help look after their offspring, though that would depend on whether the food available and the level of danger in the environment would make it a better bet to father and abandon many children, or protect and nurture one to developmental maturity.
Assuming the latter is the case, which seems likely as this is how humans tend to behave, males should show a preference for partners they think to be loyal, reducing the chances of their wasting time and resources to raising another male's child. This brings me, in a roundabout way to my point.
One of the most obvious ways of assuring a female was, if only to begin with, faithful, would be if she was a virgin. Therefore males that actively selected for this (I'm assuming this precursor to be social because of overwhelming evidence that I'm not listing here) should have more luck reproductively, and a greater chance of passing their genes on.
The huge, belly-laugh inducing irony therefore is that one of the traits of the major religions (no sex before marriage) held up as an example of how humans are somehow inherently different from other species, that they possess some spark of the divine, is simply a ritualised form of a demonstrably evolutionary trait.
I'll be chuckling under my breath for weeks.
Sometimes, the world makes me very tired.
I was aware that various loons were pushing for the re-establishment of a Muslim caliphate, but I wasn't aware that so many women were keen on it. Not to worry though, if you're feeling like your fundamental rights as a human being are not being infringed upon enough, the fine, fine folk at Hitz Ut-Tahrir can help. Not feeling enough as you're being treated enough like property? You know who to call.
There's a reason that Muslim law is not embraced the world over. It is because it is insane.
There's a reason that Muslim law is not embraced the world over. It is because it is insane.
Trouble in the Colonies
Earlier today, I had written a little piece on gun control, on how it's good, I like it. It was focusing on how countries in which you can't buy a gun have lower crime rates than those in which you can. However, I decided to spare you all that, as it's pretty much common sense, providing you don't live here.
I couldn't let the day end without bringing up this little gem. Seriously. Why are they keeping up the pretence any longer? If someone's buying a gun, it's not for self defence. They either want to rob you, or shoot their fucking cat. Pure and simple. The sad fact is, as long as sales tax is paid on guns, they remain vital for the protection of freedom. If sales tax on guns was dropped tomorrow, I think the US government might start to consider the possibility that they have a role in violent crime.
I couldn't let the day end without bringing up this little gem. Seriously. Why are they keeping up the pretence any longer? If someone's buying a gun, it's not for self defence. They either want to rob you, or shoot their fucking cat. Pure and simple. The sad fact is, as long as sales tax is paid on guns, they remain vital for the protection of freedom. If sales tax on guns was dropped tomorrow, I think the US government might start to consider the possibility that they have a role in violent crime.
Friday, August 10, 2007
A minor discovery
This is a work of pure fucking genius, and it allowed me to create this:
I'm petitioning these guys to produce the same thing for NES carts as soon as possible.
I'm petitioning these guys to produce the same thing for NES carts as soon as possible.
Semantics
There comes a time in a young man's life where he must ask himself a very important question.
Not "Is my vacuum cleaner on fire?" - that much should be obvious, there are flames coming out of it, after all - but rather "Is my vacuum cleaner on too much fire? Could I not get that big spiderweb out of the corner before being consumed by the uncaring inferno?"
Not "Is my vacuum cleaner on fire?" - that much should be obvious, there are flames coming out of it, after all - but rather "Is my vacuum cleaner on too much fire? Could I not get that big spiderweb out of the corner before being consumed by the uncaring inferno?"
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Hmmm...
Good news for Cillian Murphy, bad news for almost everyone else.
The study points at features like curved eyebrows being a deciding factor, but unfortunately for me neglects to mention what your chances are if you have a single, gargantuan eyebrow straddling your face like Brian Blessed on his birthday.
The study points at features like curved eyebrows being a deciding factor, but unfortunately for me neglects to mention what your chances are if you have a single, gargantuan eyebrow straddling your face like Brian Blessed on his birthday.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Hahahahahahahahafuckyou!
A human skull with neanderthal features? Why, that would seem to be one of those things the religious have been so very worried we might find. What's it called? A missing...
It's on the tip of my tongue.
It's on the tip of my tongue.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Friday, August 03, 2007
No, we are just King.
Anyone who knows me has seen the powerful love I hold for Katamari Damacy. It's one of the few things that warms the cockles of my usually joyless black heart.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Ouch.
Oh God.
Actually, whilst I can't pretend that this bit of news doesn't upset me, it's easy to remain philosophical. A year in which I can still look forward to Assassins Creed, Bioshock, Mass Effect, Halo 3, Haze, Super Mario Galaxy, Call of Duty 4, The Club, Zack and Wiki, Half Life 2: Orange Box, Left 4 Dead, Burnout Paradise, Rock Band, Metroid Prime 3 and Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass is not a year that needs a Grand Theft Auto game, per se.
Actually, whilst I can't pretend that this bit of news doesn't upset me, it's easy to remain philosophical. A year in which I can still look forward to Assassins Creed, Bioshock, Mass Effect, Halo 3, Haze, Super Mario Galaxy, Call of Duty 4, The Club, Zack and Wiki, Half Life 2: Orange Box, Left 4 Dead, Burnout Paradise, Rock Band, Metroid Prime 3 and Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass is not a year that needs a Grand Theft Auto game, per se.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Bringing Me Some of That Good News.
Coffee apparently helps prevent cancer these days. I am fucking invincible. Ignore the bit about exercise, I'm sure it's not important. And anyhow, Wii counts.
And They Have a Plan.
I have now been up for almost 24 hours. Most of this involved lifting heavy objects. A small amount involved playing Monkey Ball. This is a balance I intend to redress.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Havajajabagah.
Moved house. Van went boom. Rear window of emergency replacement went boom. Did heavy lifting for seventeen straight hours. Pissed off agency. Fell over. Drank beer. Getting food. Need shower.
Monday, July 30, 2007
This week we have a special on Methuselah.
"Mom, can I get the Job action figure with the realistic weeping sores, or the Abraham with child-killing action?"
"No Bobby-Joe. You'll only start asking for the God figure with the believer-restraining grip to go with it."
The really worrying thing is that American teenagers will be able to recreate the fundamentals of my psyche with their toybox. Every time I lay down to sleep it's just 8 hours of Spider-Man kicking God's arse.
"No Bobby-Joe. You'll only start asking for the God figure with the believer-restraining grip to go with it."
The really worrying thing is that American teenagers will be able to recreate the fundamentals of my psyche with their toybox. Every time I lay down to sleep it's just 8 hours of Spider-Man kicking God's arse.
An epiphany.
After a few days of quiet reflection I have decided that Transformers is not, as I had previously claimed, the worst film I've seen in three years.
It is the second worst. My repressed memories of X-Men 3 have returned.
It is the second worst. My repressed memories of X-Men 3 have returned.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Press 'A' for Roundhouse Kick
Last night, a Welshmen chewed the top of my skull. Whilst a novel experience, it was still deeply unpleasant. It did, however, confirm a few things for me.
Valuable stuff.
- Everything I thought about the Welsh was 100% correct.
- The many hours I've spent preparing for zombie attack have given me useful skills to apply in other areas of my life.
Valuable stuff.
Friday, July 27, 2007
They're in disguise. As pure shit.
I have just seen Transformers. A lot of people told me that it was a pretty good movie. Various magazines that I will usually give the time of day to gave it strong, if not raving reviews.
They were all wrong. It was an absolutely grotesque shambling abortion of a movie. And I use the term 'movie', not 'film'. I don't think I went into this with unreasonable expectations. I wanted big robots, knocking the crap out of each other, and/or shooting each other. I got that, for all of seven minutes.
The rest of the time I got the single worst-written movie I've ever some across. I can't honestly cope with how bad it was. The techno-babble was the standout piece-of-shit, lack of research bad writing cliche that you expect from this sort of thing. I thought we'd left "They're giving our system a virus!" behind with Independance Day. We have not. What's worse, is we've gained "They have taken all our internets! They've literally taken them, and stuffed them under a hat somewhere!" And: "It's full of gigabytes! We need fewer! Or maybe more! With quantums!"
Without wanting to spoil it for anyone, the film ends with the main human characters getting nasty on Bumblebee's hood while Optimus Prime watches. If that's not enough...
They were all wrong. It was an absolutely grotesque shambling abortion of a movie. And I use the term 'movie', not 'film'. I don't think I went into this with unreasonable expectations. I wanted big robots, knocking the crap out of each other, and/or shooting each other. I got that, for all of seven minutes.
The rest of the time I got the single worst-written movie I've ever some across. I can't honestly cope with how bad it was. The techno-babble was the standout piece-of-shit, lack of research bad writing cliche that you expect from this sort of thing. I thought we'd left "They're giving our system a virus!" behind with Independance Day. We have not. What's worse, is we've gained "They have taken all our internets! They've literally taken them, and stuffed them under a hat somewhere!" And: "It's full of gigabytes! We need fewer! Or maybe more! With quantums!"
Without wanting to spoil it for anyone, the film ends with the main human characters getting nasty on Bumblebee's hood while Optimus Prime watches. If that's not enough...
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Serendipity.
My current feelings on religion, casually summed up by a random act of the uncaring universe, in this case book placement at work.
I just want to make it perfectly clear that this was not posed, that these were, and belong, right next to one another.
I just want to make it perfectly clear that this was not posed, that these were, and belong, right next to one another.
The Future Baffles Me
A few weeks ago I got my first experience of finding out major news about one of my friends via facebook - namely that she was now in a relationship. I realise that I'm pretty far behind virtually everyone else on the planet in terms of pop culture (saw Heroes last night, I liked it) and technology uptake, but I did and still do find it peculiar that people below a certain age will now find out major events in the lives of those they're close to via a status change on Facebook.
On booting my laptop this morning, I found that someone I know is getting married. I'm not sure I'll get used to this sort of thing anytime soon.
On booting my laptop this morning, I found that someone I know is getting married. I'm not sure I'll get used to this sort of thing anytime soon.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
All kinds of everything.
This will be a multi-purpose post, trying to encapsulate all the topics usually only covered by a months worth of my online outpourings. Firstly, the zombies:
Next up, I played a video game. Bomberman Live is delicious.
A strange news story.
And I think the Catholics are up to something. There, we're done.
Next up, I played a video game. Bomberman Live is delicious.
A strange news story.
And I think the Catholics are up to something. There, we're done.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
"and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence"
Following a peculiar conversation with my brother earlier, in which he revealed to me that he has actually met someone in the UK who believes in Intelligent Design Theory (referred hereafter as IDioT). I had though that we had managed to isolate this form of stupidity to the United States, and was alarmed to find that this was not the case.
What does a good, no-one fearing atheist do in this sort of situation? Well, thankfully we are prepared.
Let's not forget the Church's wonderful record on matters of science. For a long while it was imperative that everyone believed the Sun revolved around the Earth, because to think otherwise was to diminish the importance of man in the cosmos. And wait, if they could be wrong about that...
It's bad enough that the church has been willing to imprison, torture and kill people for their unwillingness to repent 'heretical' ideas that happen to 100% fucking true. Let's not forget that they are also perfectly willing to invent a concept, such as witchcraft, and then persecute people for this utterly impossible-to-commit crime. The Vatican still maintains exorcists, who are sent out to torture Schizophrenics who are unfortunate enough to have parents ignorant enough to both maintain Catholic faith and be unable to recognise Schizophrenic behaviours.
Whenever someone from a major religious organisation figures out the implications of quantum physics, it's going to make this whole 'evolution' problem seem like a pillow fight.
What does a good, no-one fearing atheist do in this sort of situation? Well, thankfully we are prepared.
- The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
For the two people with internet access who haven't stumbled across this, it is a masterful display of how to manipulate statistics in order to prove whatever you damn well please. What is even better, they get perpetual hate-mail from good, forgiving Christians who believe it to be a genuine religion, rather than a cunning display of the myriad logical fallacies that underpin Intelligent Design. - Richard Dawkins.
Yeah. He's a prick. There's no argument here. However, for the most part he's right. Apart from his infuriating insistence on referring to atheists as 'Brights', he's pretty much worth listening to. The God Delusion would be an obvious place to start - Daniel Dennett.
Slightly less aggressive than Dawkins, so slightly less annoying. He goes one further than Dawkins, and portrays religion as a biological process. I don't entirely agree with him, but he annoys people so much it's worth reading his work. - Sam Harris.
Sam Harris is probably my favourite writer on the harm religion causes society. A few months ago, I posted about something from his book Letter to a Christian Nation. I quite honestly defy anyone to read that book and still labour under the misapprehension that faith is a power primarily for good. It is mainly focused on the Conservative Christian right in America, but as a dicourse on the unspeakably foul acts that often pass for religious morality, it is invaluable. - Christopher Hitchens.
I like Christopher Hitchens because he's an angry little man, and I therefore find it pretty simple to relate to him. His most recent book, God is not Great is, after Sam Harris' work, the best non-scientific argument against religion I've come across. Focusing on the harm religion causes society, it is rhetoric, but rhetoric that is the same time impassioned yet sensible. - Ann Coulter.
Not an obvious one for this list, I'll admit, given her ravening insanity, but she does play a valuable role. In reading her work you can clearly see the desperation and willingness to lie, cheat and mislead that such staunch defenders of Christianity are willing to go to, in order to maintain the compliance of those not smart enough to filter through her gibberish. The best example of this comes from Godless: The Church of Liberalism, in which Ann claims that the 150 years across which biological archaeology has been practiced is absolutely long enough for us to establish a complete fossil record. Of course, that's not really enough time to investigate the entire surface of the Earth, including all sea beds, to a depth of at least 60 feet, much more in places, then catalogue and correllate every finding. Of course, if it's what you want to believe, it comes over as a valid point, and will pass by unconsidered. As such, it's one of my favourite examples of overwhelming stupidity presented as valid logic or scientific fact. It still scares me that there are people out there who could read it and believe it. - DNA.
This is kind of important. If DNA behaves in any of the ways we can unequivocally demonstrate it does, then it is pretty much impossible evolution does not occur. - Seriously, where do these people think disease comes from?
Let's not forget the Church's wonderful record on matters of science. For a long while it was imperative that everyone believed the Sun revolved around the Earth, because to think otherwise was to diminish the importance of man in the cosmos. And wait, if they could be wrong about that...
It's bad enough that the church has been willing to imprison, torture and kill people for their unwillingness to repent 'heretical' ideas that happen to 100% fucking true. Let's not forget that they are also perfectly willing to invent a concept, such as witchcraft, and then persecute people for this utterly impossible-to-commit crime. The Vatican still maintains exorcists, who are sent out to torture Schizophrenics who are unfortunate enough to have parents ignorant enough to both maintain Catholic faith and be unable to recognise Schizophrenic behaviours.
Whenever someone from a major religious organisation figures out the implications of quantum physics, it's going to make this whole 'evolution' problem seem like a pillow fight.
Well, that's that.
Just about recovered from the Harry Potter launch now. It's been a tumultuous few days, most of which has been spent arguing with teenagers and people old enough to know better. It is not how work usually goes, but what the hell. We mostly survived, though we were perhaps missing 'military precision'.
Oh, and I read the thing. Underwhelming.
Oh, and I read the thing. Underwhelming.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
I have used up all my English...
I work in a bookshop. That's pretty depressing all by itself. This certainly does not help:
I'm bothered.
The rest of E3 was of so little consequence I decided not to bother writing. Bah.
On the walk home from the cinema last night, a car passed with a roof rack bearing in large letters the brand name 'Thule'. Now, I'm not a marketing guru, but I would have thought a quick Google search just to make sure you're not naming your product after a far-right, pre-war German occultist organisation, one that by a process of degrees effectively became the Nazi party, would just be common sense.
On the walk home from the cinema last night, a car passed with a roof rack bearing in large letters the brand name 'Thule'. Now, I'm not a marketing guru, but I would have thought a quick Google search just to make sure you're not naming your product after a far-right, pre-war German occultist organisation, one that by a process of degrees effectively became the Nazi party, would just be common sense.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
They said it would never happen
Another E3, that is. But the shining cubic zirconium lurking in the crown of the gaming calendar is upon us once again, and that means more gaming news than even my brain, custom-made for the task as it is, can handle. I shall be brave though, and press on through.
One of the novelties of the age we live is that we get content straight from the show, as soon as it's out there. The internet is filling up with trailers that I can't watch due to the ineptitude of my aging laptop, but much of it falls off Xbox Live and onto my television. Something that did this today was the new Halo 3 trailer. I played the public beta of the multiplayer, and was in no way particularly impressed. It was more of the same, and I'd played a lot of Halo 2. I'm not much one for more of the same. The single-player campaign that was shown off today did stir me a little, and I have to say, without anything really standing out, I am definitely looking forward to it. Going to a midnight launch looking forward to it? We shall see. Haven't been to one of those in over a year now, so it may be worth doing just to reaffirm my alpha geek status.
A couple of demos appeared as well. Ace Combat 6, as you might guess from the facts:
is a staggeringly bad game. It's afterburner, but takes place on top of a crudely pixelated Google map.
Thankfully, there's also Blue Dragon. It looks lovely, with some great character design by Akira 'I inflicted Dragonball Z upon the world' Toriyama, and surprisingly decent English voice acting. It's far too complex to really appreciate from the demo, but what I've seen so far appeals to me, much more so than most Japanese RPGs. I'd been looking forward to it, as it's appearance on the release lists was really the first major sign that the 360 wouldn't suffer the drought of decent Japanese software that the original Xbox did. Seems my patience has been rewarded.
2 more days of overly-keen analysis to go, folks...
One of the novelties of the age we live is that we get content straight from the show, as soon as it's out there. The internet is filling up with trailers that I can't watch due to the ineptitude of my aging laptop, but much of it falls off Xbox Live and onto my television. Something that did this today was the new Halo 3 trailer. I played the public beta of the multiplayer, and was in no way particularly impressed. It was more of the same, and I'd played a lot of Halo 2. I'm not much one for more of the same. The single-player campaign that was shown off today did stir me a little, and I have to say, without anything really standing out, I am definitely looking forward to it. Going to a midnight launch looking forward to it? We shall see. Haven't been to one of those in over a year now, so it may be worth doing just to reaffirm my alpha geek status.
A couple of demos appeared as well. Ace Combat 6, as you might guess from the facts:
- That it's called Ace Combat
- That it's the sixth in the series
is a staggeringly bad game. It's afterburner, but takes place on top of a crudely pixelated Google map.
Thankfully, there's also Blue Dragon. It looks lovely, with some great character design by Akira 'I inflicted Dragonball Z upon the world' Toriyama, and surprisingly decent English voice acting. It's far too complex to really appreciate from the demo, but what I've seen so far appeals to me, much more so than most Japanese RPGs. I'd been looking forward to it, as it's appearance on the release lists was really the first major sign that the 360 wouldn't suffer the drought of decent Japanese software that the original Xbox did. Seems my patience has been rewarded.
2 more days of overly-keen analysis to go, folks...
Monday, July 09, 2007
Now finish the job...
I'm sure I'm not the only person out there who finds the idea of an enraged gorilla pelting Will Young with rocks the size of a small child amusing.
Prime Fritters
A previously abandoned feature makes an unwelcome return today, as we take the richest, creamiest subject lines from my inbox's spam harvest:
Require Additional Size Adolf?
Gah.
Require Additional Size Adolf?
Gah.
Why must they keep doing this?
From the BBC, a new Japanese invention:
"The Boyfriend's Arm Pillow, shaped like a man's torso with one sturdy arm, has been on sale since December and has so far been snapped up by 1,000 singles."
"It keeps holding me all the way through. I think this is great because this does not betray me,"
Japan, please stop poking witches and hugging pillows for just a moment and take a look at yourselves. Seriously. You're starting to weird me out a bit here.
Bee Watch: That bee is fucking huge.
"The Boyfriend's Arm Pillow, shaped like a man's torso with one sturdy arm, has been on sale since December and has so far been snapped up by 1,000 singles."
"It keeps holding me all the way through. I think this is great because this does not betray me,"
Japan, please stop poking witches and hugging pillows for just a moment and take a look at yourselves. Seriously. You're starting to weird me out a bit here.
Bee Watch: That bee is fucking huge.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Florida Bar to Jack Thompson
"Dear Mr. Thompson,
It has come to our attention that you are a ravening batshit loon. Please submit your brain and no less that 2/3 (two thirds by weight) of your spinal material with our crime lab. For testing and stuff.
Love 'n' hugs,
The Florida Bar Association."
Yes, the folk that get to say who's a lawyer and who isn't have come across the fact that Jack is just far, far too mad to really make an effective lawyer. Shame that. Damn shame.
It has come to our attention that you are a ravening batshit loon. Please submit your brain and no less that 2/3 (two thirds by weight) of your spinal material with our crime lab. For testing and stuff.
Love 'n' hugs,
The Florida Bar Association."
Yes, the folk that get to say who's a lawyer and who isn't have come across the fact that Jack is just far, far too mad to really make an effective lawyer. Shame that. Damn shame.
Monday, July 02, 2007
His Rich, Tasty Courage.
Bought and finished The Darkness over the course of the weekend, and I have to say it's one of the best first-person shooters I've seen in a long while. It's also staggeringly violent. It's the only game that I know of in which you level up your character by eating your enemies hearts.
Good voice work and storyline don't hurt either. The developers have taken the brave and sensible step of redesigning almost everything from the comic. Makes sense, given that the comic was originally illustrated by Marc Silvestri, one of the many hacks that formed Image, and insisted on drawing in exactly the same style as Todd McFarlane, Rob Liefeld, et al. So, as a result the main character doesn't have a ridiculous superhero suit made out of 'darkness'. This can only be a good thing.
Good voice work and storyline don't hurt either. The developers have taken the brave and sensible step of redesigning almost everything from the comic. Makes sense, given that the comic was originally illustrated by Marc Silvestri, one of the many hacks that formed Image, and insisted on drawing in exactly the same style as Todd McFarlane, Rob Liefeld, et al. So, as a result the main character doesn't have a ridiculous superhero suit made out of 'darkness'. This can only be a good thing.
Crazy Folk of the Hinterlands
From now on, whenever anyone asks the question 'what are you doing?', I am going to have to respond with 'I'm killing a vampire!"
It may take some getting used to, but we'll all be richer for it.
It may take some getting used to, but we'll all be richer for it.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
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