Wanted man. Caught at a checkpoint. In a wedding dress. How did anyone think that was a disguise?
Monday, November 26, 2007
The War on Dumb.
Worst. Terrorist. Ever.
Wanted man. Caught at a checkpoint. In a wedding dress. How did anyone think that was a disguise?
Wanted man. Caught at a checkpoint. In a wedding dress. How did anyone think that was a disguise?
Thursday, November 22, 2007
The Welsh are Coming.
Jeff Minter is upset. This doesn't happen often, as he's a happy-go-lucky scamp. He spends his days frolicking in the Welsh hills, popping home every now and then to tend to his llamas, ingest mind-fucking quantities of mind-fucking psychotropic drugs, and program unplayable videogames.
Says Jeff:
"OK, we get the message. All you want on that channel is remakes of old, ***** arcade games and crap you vaguely remember playing on your Amiga. We'll shut up trying to do anything new then. Sorry for even trying."
Jeff's upset because an old, ***** arcade game, Frogger outsold his latest game, Space Giraffe by 10 to 1 last week. Jeff thinks it's unreasonable that no-one wanted his nice 'new' game. Jeff's new game is essentially another remake of Tempest, an old, ***** arcade game, but with different enemies and a more complicated scoring system.
It seems churlish to point out that people may have bought Frogger because they weighed up their options, and went for a game that doesn't make your brain slough away and trickle through your nose in fleshy chunks. But I did it anyway.
***** means shite, by the way.
Says Jeff:
"OK, we get the message. All you want on that channel is remakes of old, ***** arcade games and crap you vaguely remember playing on your Amiga. We'll shut up trying to do anything new then. Sorry for even trying."
Jeff's upset because an old, ***** arcade game, Frogger outsold his latest game, Space Giraffe by 10 to 1 last week. Jeff thinks it's unreasonable that no-one wanted his nice 'new' game. Jeff's new game is essentially another remake of Tempest, an old, ***** arcade game, but with different enemies and a more complicated scoring system.
It seems churlish to point out that people may have bought Frogger because they weighed up their options, and went for a game that doesn't make your brain slough away and trickle through your nose in fleshy chunks. But I did it anyway.
***** means shite, by the way.
Monday, November 12, 2007
That's Good Newsing! We Done News!
For some reason, I feel myself compelled to read pretty much any time I possibly can. This means that if I'm left alone for more than two minutes, I fire up the web browser on my phone and start reading the news. Unfortunately, there are only certain sites you can access for free on my tarriff, so I'm pretty much restricted to reading the ITN news portal for mobile browsers.
As you might expect, this is some pretty lousy news. I'll use the first story I read today as an illustration (apologies for lack of linkage, but I've no idea where to find it in a standard browser, and can't be bothered looking). The headline is 'Beowulf Premiere Hits London', and these are the edited highlights, with translation:
Quote: "Beowulf battles three enemies, Grandel (Newcomer Crispin Glover)..."
Translation: Despite having 45 screen credits, including the Back to the Future trilogy, The Doors, Wild at Heart, and the Charlies Goddamn Angels movies, as well as 2 directing credits, none of our staff have heard of Crispin Glover, who started his acting career in 1981.
Quote: "The image has been digitally enhanced using the latest animation techninques, giving Jolie's natural curves a bit of a boost."
Translation: The film is entirely CGI.
This is where I get most of my information about the world from. Explains a lot.
As you might expect, this is some pretty lousy news. I'll use the first story I read today as an illustration (apologies for lack of linkage, but I've no idea where to find it in a standard browser, and can't be bothered looking). The headline is 'Beowulf Premiere Hits London', and these are the edited highlights, with translation:
Quote: "Beowulf battles three enemies, Grandel (Newcomer Crispin Glover)..."
Translation: Despite having 45 screen credits, including the Back to the Future trilogy, The Doors, Wild at Heart, and the Charlies Goddamn Angels movies, as well as 2 directing credits, none of our staff have heard of Crispin Glover, who started his acting career in 1981.
Quote: "The image has been digitally enhanced using the latest animation techninques, giving Jolie's natural curves a bit of a boost."
Translation: The film is entirely CGI.
This is where I get most of my information about the world from. Explains a lot.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Speaking of Duality...
New competition. I now want song titles that are really fucking good song titles, but genuinely appalling names for porn films. And when I say appalling, I mean that they will, like medication bought from unsolicited emails, induce vomiting. I'll get the ball rolling, with the first track from The Wombats album:
Tales of Girls, Boys and Marsupials.
The gauntlet is down, folks. It is down.
Tales of Girls, Boys and Marsupials.
The gauntlet is down, folks. It is down.
Stealth Atheists - Secular Ninjas.
So, this December the His dark Materials trilogy is getting a movie. From what I've seen of the trailers, I'm not optimistic. But then, I'm never optimistic. I'm a grumpy old man. But that is beside the point.
The books have been perceived as anti-religious, and that's certainly one way of reading them. I take that with a pinch of salt, as I say worse things about religion before my first cup of coffee, then faster and more perceptively after. What they are is humanist - they promote a shared humanity that is far more important than any text. The 'villains' of the piece are those who lose sight of that - those who would harm people for their own ends. Sometimes those ends are religious, but the forces seeking to end religion (which has a palpable presence in the world of the books) also do terrible things to acheive their ends.
What the movie has done is reignited the supposed controversy over the books. From the IMDB, on the Catholic League:
League president William Donohue tells America's Entertainment Weekly magazine, "Parents might be inclined to say, 'Hey, our kid really enjoyed the movie, why don't we buy him His Dark Materials for Christmas?' (It) introduces the kid to atheism. (It's) a stealth campaign."
Excuse me, but how in the name of living fuck do you introduce a child to atheism? I'm sorry, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that a child is born an atheist. The water you sprinkle on it's head doesn't change that for a moment. A child is basically programmed to believe whatever it's parents say. A child also has an inherently dualist mentality - it's very hard for a child to realise that the voice it hears when it thinks is generated by a couple of pounds of electrically charged tissue. So religious notions fit very straightfordly into a child's worldview. I think if you raised someone to 18, with a normal education but no word of God, then presented them a bible, you'd still have an atheist.
Apologies for the stunningly obvious nature of this argument (to most), but the idea that there's a stealth atheist agenda makes me very, very angry, quite amused, and with a peculiar itch to start one.
The books have been perceived as anti-religious, and that's certainly one way of reading them. I take that with a pinch of salt, as I say worse things about religion before my first cup of coffee, then faster and more perceptively after. What they are is humanist - they promote a shared humanity that is far more important than any text. The 'villains' of the piece are those who lose sight of that - those who would harm people for their own ends. Sometimes those ends are religious, but the forces seeking to end religion (which has a palpable presence in the world of the books) also do terrible things to acheive their ends.
What the movie has done is reignited the supposed controversy over the books. From the IMDB, on the Catholic League:
League president William Donohue tells America's Entertainment Weekly magazine, "Parents might be inclined to say, 'Hey, our kid really enjoyed the movie, why don't we buy him His Dark Materials for Christmas?' (It) introduces the kid to atheism. (It's) a stealth campaign."
Excuse me, but how in the name of living fuck do you introduce a child to atheism? I'm sorry, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that a child is born an atheist. The water you sprinkle on it's head doesn't change that for a moment. A child is basically programmed to believe whatever it's parents say. A child also has an inherently dualist mentality - it's very hard for a child to realise that the voice it hears when it thinks is generated by a couple of pounds of electrically charged tissue. So religious notions fit very straightfordly into a child's worldview. I think if you raised someone to 18, with a normal education but no word of God, then presented them a bible, you'd still have an atheist.
Apologies for the stunningly obvious nature of this argument (to most), but the idea that there's a stealth atheist agenda makes me very, very angry, quite amused, and with a peculiar itch to start one.
Vital Information.
For those of you who have an interest in the American political process, or more specifically just how painful it is to watch it from within, then may I direct you to the mighty Gin and Tacos. Funny and savage, it's well worth a read. Observe:
"... I would like to recommend one of my favorite pieces of public opinion research, one that goes a long way toward understanding why our national political discourse is one step above a throng of retards slap-fighting in a mud puddle."
I've learnt some important things today, myself. One is that the new Wombats album is pretty fucking good. It has all the handclaps, la la la's and closed harmonies I expect from pop-leaning indie, along with some spiky guitars and amusing lyrics about doing stupid things and getting dumped for it. I proclaim it to be delightful.
The other thing I've learnt, and will pass on in case it's any use to anyone is this: if you've split your middle finger in two with a blunt knife, it can't hurt to lower your typing speed. It doesn't make you any less of a man. Knocking bloody chunks out of your hand though, quite literally, does.
"... I would like to recommend one of my favorite pieces of public opinion research, one that goes a long way toward understanding why our national political discourse is one step above a throng of retards slap-fighting in a mud puddle."
I've learnt some important things today, myself. One is that the new Wombats album is pretty fucking good. It has all the handclaps, la la la's and closed harmonies I expect from pop-leaning indie, along with some spiky guitars and amusing lyrics about doing stupid things and getting dumped for it. I proclaim it to be delightful.
The other thing I've learnt, and will pass on in case it's any use to anyone is this: if you've split your middle finger in two with a blunt knife, it can't hurt to lower your typing speed. It doesn't make you any less of a man. Knocking bloody chunks out of your hand though, quite literally, does.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Movie Time.
Despite a late entry from Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang with:
Shot In The Shoulder / Narration / Black Comedy / Corpse / Breasts
the great 'dumbass keywords' debate was never going to be won by such half-arsed attempts. So, ladies, gentlemen, may I present:
Toupee / Group Vomit / One Night / Lifting Person In Air / Blender
Goonies = for teh win!
Shot In The Shoulder / Narration / Black Comedy / Corpse / Breasts
the great 'dumbass keywords' debate was never going to be won by such half-arsed attempts. So, ladies, gentlemen, may I present:
Toupee / Group Vomit / One Night / Lifting Person In Air / Blender
Goonies = for teh win!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
No, Really. Horribly Wrong
It's like joy, wrapped in more joy, dipped in chocolate, and given a dusting of yet more joy. No, actually, it's extremely fucking daft.
If the scriptures are turning out to be too hard to understand, I'm willing to lend elements of my own, admittedly controversial, philosophy to these needy pastors. It goes something like this:
Don't be a cunt.
You'll probably find it works better than sermons on ancient Middle-Eastern tax law.
If the scriptures are turning out to be too hard to understand, I'm willing to lend elements of my own, admittedly controversial, philosophy to these needy pastors. It goes something like this:
Don't be a cunt.
You'll probably find it works better than sermons on ancient Middle-Eastern tax law.
How Much Cretin does $11 Million Buy?
You've got to feel sorry for Fred Phelps. Just because he and his followers gatecrash hundreds of funerals every year to spread their vile, idiotic, hate-filled message, they've left themselves open to a little spot of litigation.
No, hang on a second, you don't have to feel sorry for him at all. He's one of the worst human beings on the face of the planet, and every second he's not on fire is a second we're not correctly using all this oxygen we have knocking about the place.
Glad that's cleared up.
No, hang on a second, you don't have to feel sorry for him at all. He's one of the worst human beings on the face of the planet, and every second he's not on fire is a second we're not correctly using all this oxygen we have knocking about the place.
Glad that's cleared up.
Monday, October 29, 2007
The Correct Use of Astrophysics.
This is totally unfair. I've killed several large ruminants this year, and no-one thinks I'm that valuable. Some people seem to actively disapprove.
Hallelujah!
I have always said that if I was presented with convincing evidence for some sort of higher power, I would recant my naughty atheism.
That day is here.
That day is here.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Web 2.Ohforfuckssakepeoplearecretins
The IMDB is a tremendous resource. For the nerd who simply must know every little tiny bit of movie trivia, it is indispensable. It recently added a new user-generated feature, however, that is hurting me in the soul and a few other places.
You can now nominate plot keywords for movies, so that people can browse for things they like to see in movies. Here's an example:
1990s / Vomit Scene / Civil War / Border Crossing / Jeep.
Wow. Because I'm betting the guy who searched for '1990's' and 'Vomit Scene' was of course looking for Three Kings, a fairly harrowing black comedy about the first Gulf War, and definitely not looking for really weird porn.
Let's try another:
Mustache / Corpse / Limousine / Split Personality / Fashion
Give up? It is, of course, Batman Begins. Those are the five words that most adequately sum up that film.
So here it is folks. Audience participation time again. I want you to look the single most preposterous set of keywords for any movie on the IMDB. A pat on the back for the winner. Not an actual one, but an internet one. Which is better.
You can now nominate plot keywords for movies, so that people can browse for things they like to see in movies. Here's an example:
1990s / Vomit Scene / Civil War / Border Crossing / Jeep.
Wow. Because I'm betting the guy who searched for '1990's' and 'Vomit Scene' was of course looking for Three Kings, a fairly harrowing black comedy about the first Gulf War, and definitely not looking for really weird porn.
Let's try another:
Mustache / Corpse / Limousine / Split Personality / Fashion
Give up? It is, of course, Batman Begins. Those are the five words that most adequately sum up that film.
So here it is folks. Audience participation time again. I want you to look the single most preposterous set of keywords for any movie on the IMDB. A pat on the back for the winner. Not an actual one, but an internet one. Which is better.
Friday, October 26, 2007
It's Hard to Overstate My Satisfaction.
I have spent a genuinely terrifying amount of time with the various components of The Orange Box, and it's been great fun. I want to go into Portal in greater depth at some point soon. I haven't even touched Team Fortress yet, as I've been plowing through the four singleplayer components. They're all pretty great. The Source engine doesn't really look too great these days, but it features wonderful physics, and must be forgiven.
The mention of this brings me onto a soon-to-be-released game Bionic Commando. A sequel to/remake of the original arcade/NES game of the same name, it looks to be running heavily with the Havok physics as well. Anyone who's ever had the misfortune to have to watch me playing videogames, or listen to me talk about them, or really spend any time near me at all, will know that I am obsessed with physics in games. Utterly obsessed. I've been playing the things for over 20 years, and I'm pretty tired of shooting things and jumping on their heads. What I'm about these days is crushing them with bits of the environment, throwing them into walls, and generally being cruel and unusual.
What you probably didn't know is the original Bionic Commando is responsible for this. It was the first game I ever played that featured interesting physics. You shot out your bionic arm like a grappling hook, grabbed a platform, and swung across. To my 6-year-old self, this was like crack. It was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. I could never get past the second level of the damn thing, but it didn't matter, because I just loved making the little guy swing around shooting bigger guys with beards.
I knew that this was in development, but it wasn't until I saw the video, and more importantly, heard an orchestral version of the them song I know so well as a four-channel midi, that my inner child had a joy-seizure (I blame the sherbet dib-dabs myself), and I felt compelled to get this all out.
I think a worrying amount of my psyche may be hinged around this game. If this remake blows, I think the whole house of cards may come tumbling down. Woe betide those in my way.
The mention of this brings me onto a soon-to-be-released game Bionic Commando. A sequel to/remake of the original arcade/NES game of the same name, it looks to be running heavily with the Havok physics as well. Anyone who's ever had the misfortune to have to watch me playing videogames, or listen to me talk about them, or really spend any time near me at all, will know that I am obsessed with physics in games. Utterly obsessed. I've been playing the things for over 20 years, and I'm pretty tired of shooting things and jumping on their heads. What I'm about these days is crushing them with bits of the environment, throwing them into walls, and generally being cruel and unusual.
What you probably didn't know is the original Bionic Commando is responsible for this. It was the first game I ever played that featured interesting physics. You shot out your bionic arm like a grappling hook, grabbed a platform, and swung across. To my 6-year-old self, this was like crack. It was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. I could never get past the second level of the damn thing, but it didn't matter, because I just loved making the little guy swing around shooting bigger guys with beards.
I knew that this was in development, but it wasn't until I saw the video, and more importantly, heard an orchestral version of the them song I know so well as a four-channel midi, that my inner child had a joy-seizure (I blame the sherbet dib-dabs myself), and I felt compelled to get this all out.
I think a worrying amount of my psyche may be hinged around this game. If this remake blows, I think the whole house of cards may come tumbling down. Woe betide those in my way.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Spam On!
Today's spam entry is a different format to those previous. It's not the subject bar, but the body text I shall be detailing. I hope I don't lose anyone with this radical overhaul. With that fully in mind, cautiously onwards we go:
If you are looking for information concerning in which manner you are able tospan some more mass for your reproduction organ, get what's gonna help.
blind olaf grimm birgit ahead wattle vat ! we're we'll.
icicle.
A work of astonishing power and insight, I'm sure you'll agree.
If you are looking for information concerning in which manner you are able tospan some more mass for your reproduction organ, get what's gonna help.
blind olaf grimm birgit ahead wattle vat ! we're we'll.
icicle.
A work of astonishing power and insight, I'm sure you'll agree.
Inappropriate Touching.
This made me laugh harder than anything in the last few days, and I watched a guy kicking a puppy.
You've got to admire his dedication to the job, but when your company has to issue a statement explaining how he "handled the truffles innapropriately", you know you've taken it too far.
You've got to admire his dedication to the job, but when your company has to issue a statement explaining how he "handled the truffles innapropriately", you know you've taken it too far.
The Shame of it All.
Most people, when they find themselves in a position to stare bleary-eyed around a room upon waking and think "What did I do last night?" will be looking at discarded tequila bottles, a cowboy hat, maybe a dead hooker or two. Not me. I look at my DVD shelf, and spy both The Fantastic 4 and Casshern.
In the depths of the foulest mood yet to come upon me this year, which is really saying something, I decided I needed to watch some fairly trashy movies. Now, Blockbuster's 2 DVD's for £10 has previously supplied me with some fairly decent movies (also the Nicolas Cage version of The Wicker Man, but that's for a bet). Last night it provided me with those two.
The Fantastic 4 is nowhere near as bad as people make out. It's a kid's film, based on a comic book that has never really gone for any particular depth, and working purely on those terms it succceeds. It's fun, no-one really lets themselves down too badly (except Julian McMahon, who is the least threatening villain ever, although his previous ouevre has been so shit that I don't really think this represents a significant drop for him). It's also remarkably smutty in places, which I always get a laugh out of in a kids flick.
Casshern is a movie I've seen before, and I have no particular idea why I bought it. It's a bizzarre CG/live-action blend from Japan. It's about a guy who gets reanimated (also, superpowers) shoved in a spiffy white suit of armour, and heads off to kick the shit out of giant robots. The bits in which he does this are some of the most inventive and outright fun fight scenes in any film. Unfortunately, they are bookended by two hours of torturous and nonsensical exposition. You can really get more fun by watching the trailer over and over for a couple of hours. Still, it is full of giant robots. And I does love me some giant robots.
In other news, I seem to spend most of my gaming time not getting called 'a gaywad' by American teeenagers on Halo 3, but instead playing Probotector 2: a 20 year-old NES game. Peculiar behaviour, even by my standards, but the game holds a special place in my heart. For one thing, it was one of the games on an old Playchoice 10 cabinet in my local leisure centre, and the story of it's release in the west amuses me. Originally the series was called Contra. A couple of things got changed in translation. The human main characters and enemies all got changed into robots, so our sensitive European tastes would not be offended by all the violence. Also, and more obviously, the name got changed from Contra to something that sounds like a sci-fi themed sex aid, presumably so no parent would have to endure a conversation along the lines of:
"Mummy, what's a Contra?"
"Why, they're South American guerrilla fighters, Jeremy. The US government funds them to fight communists with money they illegally gained by selling weapons to Iran, a sworn enemy of the state. Don't trust whitey, Jeremy, whatever you do, don't trust whitey."
Or so I imagine. Thanks, Konami, for your enduring sensitivity.
In the depths of the foulest mood yet to come upon me this year, which is really saying something, I decided I needed to watch some fairly trashy movies. Now, Blockbuster's 2 DVD's for £10 has previously supplied me with some fairly decent movies (also the Nicolas Cage version of The Wicker Man, but that's for a bet). Last night it provided me with those two.
The Fantastic 4 is nowhere near as bad as people make out. It's a kid's film, based on a comic book that has never really gone for any particular depth, and working purely on those terms it succceeds. It's fun, no-one really lets themselves down too badly (except Julian McMahon, who is the least threatening villain ever, although his previous ouevre has been so shit that I don't really think this represents a significant drop for him). It's also remarkably smutty in places, which I always get a laugh out of in a kids flick.
Casshern is a movie I've seen before, and I have no particular idea why I bought it. It's a bizzarre CG/live-action blend from Japan. It's about a guy who gets reanimated (also, superpowers) shoved in a spiffy white suit of armour, and heads off to kick the shit out of giant robots. The bits in which he does this are some of the most inventive and outright fun fight scenes in any film. Unfortunately, they are bookended by two hours of torturous and nonsensical exposition. You can really get more fun by watching the trailer over and over for a couple of hours. Still, it is full of giant robots. And I does love me some giant robots.
In other news, I seem to spend most of my gaming time not getting called 'a gaywad' by American teeenagers on Halo 3, but instead playing Probotector 2: a 20 year-old NES game. Peculiar behaviour, even by my standards, but the game holds a special place in my heart. For one thing, it was one of the games on an old Playchoice 10 cabinet in my local leisure centre, and the story of it's release in the west amuses me. Originally the series was called Contra. A couple of things got changed in translation. The human main characters and enemies all got changed into robots, so our sensitive European tastes would not be offended by all the violence. Also, and more obviously, the name got changed from Contra to something that sounds like a sci-fi themed sex aid, presumably so no parent would have to endure a conversation along the lines of:
"Mummy, what's a Contra?"
"Why, they're South American guerrilla fighters, Jeremy. The US government funds them to fight communists with money they illegally gained by selling weapons to Iran, a sworn enemy of the state. Don't trust whitey, Jeremy, whatever you do, don't trust whitey."
Or so I imagine. Thanks, Konami, for your enduring sensitivity.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Sunday, October 07, 2007
I Have a Hard Time Finding the Dignity in This.
This wasn't going to be my next post. I had a lovely post lined up, about truth, and beauty, and art. But of course, religion had to go and rear it's ugly head.
This whole thing, which most people found amusing for a while, ceased to be even that a while back. But now, seemingly purely for publicity's sake, the Dean of Manchester Cathedral is once more shaking off the binding chains of clear and rational thought, is digging out his soapbox, and he's yelling to the three people that will listen. And yes, I've lapped it up. And yes, I'm transmitting it (albeit to a very small number of people). But really? "Sacred digital rights"?
How daft do we have to be here? We are talking about a game that depicts a war between man and alien in an alternative 1950's in which WW2 never ended. If you were exceptionally sensitive, and I guess some folks are, I can see this causing a problem. But, if you are that sensitive, you have bigger problems, such as the acquisition of truly epic amounts of rubber sheeting.
Sacred. Digital. Rights. You heard it here first. Pesky freedom of expression pales next to 'em.
This whole thing, which most people found amusing for a while, ceased to be even that a while back. But now, seemingly purely for publicity's sake, the Dean of Manchester Cathedral is once more shaking off the binding chains of clear and rational thought, is digging out his soapbox, and he's yelling to the three people that will listen. And yes, I've lapped it up. And yes, I'm transmitting it (albeit to a very small number of people). But really? "Sacred digital rights"?
How daft do we have to be here? We are talking about a game that depicts a war between man and alien in an alternative 1950's in which WW2 never ended. If you were exceptionally sensitive, and I guess some folks are, I can see this causing a problem. But, if you are that sensitive, you have bigger problems, such as the acquisition of truly epic amounts of rubber sheeting.
Sacred. Digital. Rights. You heard it here first. Pesky freedom of expression pales next to 'em.
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